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As I sit in the WGA Library, surrounded by people reading scripts, tapping away on their computers, in a completely silent (for a change) area that is entirely focused on writers and writing, it seems fitting to write the review of The Wife that's been spinning around my head ever since I watched the "Explosive" performance by Glenn Close, an actress, and person I have admired for many years.
In case you're not aware of what The Wife is about, here's the official trailer.
It appears Sony Pictures Classics has taken over the international film elegance that once was the stronghold of the Weinstein Company and I'm excited to watch even more after the cinematic treat this film was on so many levels. My first thought watching this film was of so many women I've seen over the years who sublimate their own creative desires to "serve" their husbands, a role I never have desired, or seen myself doing.
(Which is probably why I'm single, but there have to be other kinds of marriages out there that don't require this, right?:)
However, I also have seen this with men who remain married to women they would rather than not be married to because they don't want to deal with the divorce aftermath and their marriages die a miserable death as a result of this passive killing of a life they once vowed in front of their friends, family, and God, to love, cherish and honor, or whatever their vows were.
I wish all those couples would watch this film and see the intense fury and result of burying their own desires and the cost it ultimately takes on the marriage, their lives, and their family's lives. I think it applies to any relationship or life choice where you don't anticipate all the other ramifications you'll experience by going with the flow, ignoring your own desires and figuring it's the best you can expect in life.
I met a young woman today who chose to place her 2nd child in an open adoption to preserve her own life and the life of her older child from an abusive relationship. That life choice has had unexpected ramifications on her eldest daughter that no one would have anticipated, but this birth mother is handling her decision and open adoption with grace, empathy, courage while seeking wisdom from others who have had a similar life choice, like me and many of the others she's interviewing in her quest for truth in her own adoption experience.
Then there's a man I met online who confessed he's secretly married to a woman he has claimed is merely his baby mama (my terms, not his.:) and his fear of divorcing her because he's tired of divorce, he has young children with this woman and it's a risk when you're a public figure on what will be accepted, private and more. Who knows if this person was even real, but the dialog we had seemed very honest and vulnerable. I pray for him and his marriage and hope he finds his way. I just can't be with married men and for my sake, wish he wasn't, but can't wish for his marriage to end either.
That's for God and him to decide.
But I digress. The Wife resonated with me on so many levels because as a writer, I've felt blocked for the last few years and haven't felt like expressing anything because my life was in such turmoil it wouldn't have come out cohesively or been believed.
However, writers must write as the film so eloquently explains and it was heartbreaking to see this character give up her dream of writing to be with a man who was so weak and self-indulgent and cowardly he couldn't acknowledge her, even when he had a major platform to do so. I loved watching the dynamic of the husband and wife grow and evolve as Glenn Close recognizes that her husband will not ever recognize her beyond what he'd done over the years. I don't want to ruin this film because I truly believe you must see it and experience it to feel the full visceral blow to the gut this film delivers.
The setting is stunningly majestic and unique which makes it even more awe-inspiring. The insidious biographer, played by Christian Slater, is cloying, manipulative, and like the snake in the Garden of Eden tempting and taunting Glenn's character to crack and admit something she has kept hidden for years. She refuses to take the bait, but then the son is enticed and beguiled in an ever-tightening web of unraveling that ultimately brings about the demise of the callow, arrogant, fool of a man who believes he is actually worthy of all the acclaim by virtue he has convinced himself of this for the entire 40 years of their marriage.
The fact that their marriage is based on an illicit affair and ruined one woman's life is only the start of what apparently became a pattern of a man who has such low self-worth he needs extra validation to prove himself worthy of all the outside critical acclaim for "his" work.
That he has the gall to act like he's a superior writer to his son is beyond belief, especially when the content of the son's prose is revealed. That the father doesn't see the obvious relationship that is staring him in the face in written form as his own husband/wife relationship is even more of an example of what a failed writer he truly is because most writers I know and enjoy reading are the most observant, critically thinking, interesting people I've ever met.
Most CEO's read voraciously and are well-versed on a variety of topics, although they do tend to have their favorite topics. It's probably why I resonate with leaders most. I like intelligent, funny, warm-hearted men who think for themselves and are willing to take a stand, no matter how unpopular.
This movie brought up so much for me because I feel the past few years I was relegated to the coat carrying wife role by virtue of the tech culture refusing to accept women on an even playing field and always relegating females in tech to beauty or fashion or sex type roles, rather than worthy leaders of building profitable businesses that will develop other businesses and leaders in the process.
This film awoke something in me that has lain dormant since leaving the tech industry, but like Glenn's character has slowly been awakening to the fact I'm worthy of a life I choose.
A desire for more. A desire to go after what I want again. A desire to be seen. To be heard and to receive credit where credit is due. It's why it's hard to listen to my Dad when I know he still believes the 1950's adage that I won't survive in this world unless I take some stupid job and just keep my head down and do what it takes to get by.
I'm sorry, but like Glenn's character, I'm over just getting by. I'm over just surviving. I need a change and as these new days of 2019 roll around I realize I'm feeling more and more clear on what I will and will not accept in my life, my living conditions, my career, and my family.
And it feels good.
The Wife may be seen by some as a cry for help, but I see it also as a warrior cry ready for a battle that won't be stifled, put down, condescended to, or repressed any longer. I highly recommend seeing this film if you're in need of a major kick in the butt to get your life together and take control of what's important.
Because if you don't walk away from Glenn Close's performance moved, changed and enlightened, I don't know what will do so. She's an amazing actress and completely deserved her Golden Globe which I am so glad was given to her because I would not have heard of the film otherwise. Unfortunately, it appears many others are unaware as well since the matinee film I attended only had 5 people in the auditorium.
That's why I'm encouraging you to take the time to go see this film and support Glenn Close because you will be so glad you've seen her brilliant performance come Oscar time. This is actually one Oscars I wish I could attend because there's so many amazing films being recognized and artist's performances I thoroughly enjoyed it would be a pleasure to see this up close and in person. I would love to be able to tell Glenn Close I championed her cause or tell Lady Gaga how moved I was by her performance and music. Or tell Bradley Cooper he was robbed.:)
However, it will probably not happen so for now, I will tell the world my thoughts as I am prone to do, in writing. And if you're still reading my writing after all these years away, thank you. I promise to write more. I have a lot more to say and feel like I'm just getting started again. So I leave you with this song by Pink as it exemplifies the spirit with which I write this and share my thoughts with you musically...
I always know it's time to write when I keep going over what I want to convey for days at a time. I don't know if other writers do this, but I write my articles in my head first, edit and refine them and then they spill over when I sit down to actually put "pen to paper" so to speak.
However, this time, even though I've been mulling what I want to say about grief and the loss of my mom for the past week and longer, my thoughts are still jumbled, I haven't figured it all out, nor am I sure I want to.
Hopefully, by writing my thoughts down it will begin to make sense - at least to me.
Reader, hate to break it you, but you're just along for the ride...:)
As in the words of Counting Crows Big Yellow Taxi song, "Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone" this best describes my feelings and experiences since losing my little Mom this past May 1, 2016.
I never realized how much I counted on her until losing her. She was my best friend, my cheerleader, my confidante, my driver when I needed her to be, my travel companion, my IT department, my assistant, my mentor, my travel advisor, my spiritual advisor, my friend I sat with at church, my friend I went out to eat with like here in this picture at the Long Beach Lobster Festival, my mover, my car buyer, my apartment hunter, my solace, and my heart.
I miss her so much and each day when I think it can't hurt any more than when she first died, something else reminds me of how much I depended on her to be there for me.
Like now, hobbling around on crutches with a strained calf muscle. As if not being able to fully use my hands isn't bad enough. Sometimes you are forced to slow down and feel regardless of whether you want to or not.
I'm participating in my church's Grief Share program which has been very comforting. It's nice to have a place to go each week where it's ok to cry, share memories, learn from a 45 min video featuring experts and others who have lost a loved one, and comfort others who are grieving too.
The corresponding workbook which provides 5 daily devotions and places to journal has been very encouraging too. It helps to get what's in my mind out and down on paper. And later, to be able to share what spoke to us most.
One of the recommended Grief Share tools is writing a grief letter to friends and family explaining what you're going through and how they might help. I didn't really want to do it, but after seeing my sink full of dirty dishes, my clean laundry still not put away after 3 days, and being unable to drive without more pain, realized maybe writing this blog would do the same thing.
Those who are interested in what I'm going through and how they might help will read my "grief letter."
Those who don't, won't.
And that's okay.
Losing my Mom has drastically affected my life in more ways than ever imagined. I remember when someone I was working with asked me how I was doing and at that point I was still in denial and said, "I'm fine."
But the longer it's been since my Mom died, the more I see that I'm not fine.
I will be down the road perhaps, but right now?
Not so fine. Not fine at all.
It may appear so when you see me smiling or doing something interesting, but it's always there, a heartbeat away from coming to the surface.
Grief apparently exacerbates your emotional state and causes intense reactions of anger, among other emotions. I'm experiencing this now and hope writing this will help those who have experienced my intense feelings of anger will give me grace and forgive me because I am having trouble controlling it, but am really working hard on healing in therapy as a result.
"Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal.
There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this? Underneath anger is pain, your pain.
It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger toward them.
The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love."
In another book I recently read, When Parents Die, whose "topics range from the psychological responses to a parent's death such as shock, depression, and guilt, to the practical consequences such as dealing with estates and funerals," I learned some people don't experience the typical five stages of grief at all, or they bounce around like I seem to be doing.
I have family members who think if they just keep moving, doing, traveling and escaping this reality of their spouse/mother being dead they will get past the painful feelings, but what I see happening, and experts concur, you don't ever "get past them" you bury them and they show up later.
If you deny feelings of sadness, loss, and depression, then you're more apt to respond with no emotions, nor feel other emotions as fully, or react in anger that's much more than the situation you're angry with would normally involve.
I wonder now if my Dad losing his Father two days before I was born and possibly never really grieving that loss fully explains why we've always had a difficult, distant relationship whereas my sisters have not.
I'll never know because my Dad isn't in touch with his feelings enough to ever confirm or deny. That's just him and I'm learning to accept him as he is and have compassion on who he is because at 83 years old, he ain't changing much.:)
How my family handles their grief over Mom dying is their journey, not mine. All I know right now is, I can't be there for them, nor can I expect them to be there for me because none of us have anything to give each other. We may want to, but we just don't.
And that's okay too.
When my Mom first died, all I felt was numb, like I was going through the motions. I felt this way when I placed my son in adoption when he was first born and realize now, going through my Mom's death, my adoption was a very similar experience.
Even though he didn't die when I placed him in our open adoption, the experience and reality of being a full-time mother raising him died when I signed the final legal papers finalizing our adoption. The finality of it was deeply wounding, knowing I would not be raising my only child, and took years and years of therapy to heal.
It was every bit as much a loss/death to me as losing my Mom.
I was numb for weeks, so depressed I became suicidal only pulling out of it when I went on an antidepressant which caused me to gain weight I've never been able to lose, and drastically changed my career path causing me to shut down my short film festival because short films were a constant reminder of what I had lost.
I began writing for the Los Angeles Convention & Visitors Bureau and thought I would pursue a journalism career, but when I saw my paychecks and the amount of work and hours I put into writing at the level I like to write, I knew it wasn't sustainable and began looking for alternative careers.
Not to say I wouldn't write for them again on a freelance basis, but just not as a full-time career.
Having marketed filmmakers for five years, it was a natural career decision to begin repping entertainment clients as a publicist because I knew the language, I knew the players, I knew the media and I knew it intimately from many levels - fundraising, pitching, showcasing, selecting, gathering judges, experts and others to support my vision.
Pitching over 300 agents/managers to get my client representation? No biggie. Happy to do it.
Writing press releases that get placement in multiple media outlets? No problem.
My PR Mentor, Marcia Groff, taught me the fine points of writing a press release and media relations based on her years of experience repping numerous major music acts while working for EMI America Records as National Coordinator of Artist Relations working with Kenny Rogers, Sir Cliff Richard, Kim Carnes, Sheena Easton and David Bowie.
Plus, taking a PR certificate program at UCLA Extension, attending multiple seminars, classes and workshops also further refined and validated my expertise.
Approaching publishers at BEA to pitch my author client and my open adoption book? No problem.
Although I did find it ironic none of the Christian publishers wanted my adoption story because my son was born out-of-wedlock and didn't fit prescribed Christian thinking. Readers Digest was interested until they read the anger I had still not fully healed from after my adoption.
Only positive, life-affirming stories for them too I guess. However, my story then was real. It was raw. And it was what many birthmoms experience immediately after an adoption.
Only no one ever wants to hear it.
It would ruin their view of adoption because in life, only the adoptive parent's life experiences matter or are supported because they're dealing with raising a child not their own. Never mind the woman left behind dealing with the loss. We don't exist in many book aisles because publishers don't think anyone will care.
How wrong they are. I devoured every book I could find on what the birth mom's experience was like because I wanted to know what I was getting myself into. I wanted to know if my feelings were normal. I wanted to understand. To be understood.
I wanted to heal.
However, many of the books that were published were written in the 60's, only spoke about closed adoptions, weren't my life experience at all and even though I could relate to certain aspects, much of it was drastically different. That's why I wrote my book proposal and worked on getting published.
I had heard Jamie Lee Curtis was somehow related to adoption and managed to attend an event where she was speaking and gave her my first couple of chapters to read. She read it, called me, and because I was on the other line I didn't pick up for some reason and missed speaking to her. She was so kind and told me it was a very moving story and needed to be told. She didn't leave her number and I never contacted her again after that.
It was the kind of encouragement I needed to hear then and remembering it even now, I have a soft spot in my heart for her as a person, while continuing to admire her as an actress/author.
I don't think the timing was right for me then though and feel when it's right, it will happen. My (our) story will be told.
And I'll be ready for it.
I found when I would speak to women who had experienced adoption back in the 60's who would call into Rose Vista Maternity Home where I was living at the time while I healed those mothers were angry at me for suggesting adoption to the pregnant women who lived there because they had never processed or accepted their decision.
Many had had adoption forced upon them with no recourse. I would have hated that too!
However, that wasn't my experience. I was choosing adoption. I was choosing the parents to raise my son. I was choosing to be able to stay in touch.
I had choices.
They did not.
I understood their anger, their pain and their hurt, but it's always been my goal to share a positive story on adoption because even though it was devastating at the time it happened, I'm at peace with it now after much counseling, much activism and speaking to potential adoptive parents and adoptees with unresolved abandonment issues.
I knew what I wanted to give my son through our open adoption and feel we have a good relationship because of that.
I even flew to DC to speak at a conference which C-Span covered to show that there really are three choices when faced with an unexpected pregnancy. It doesn't have to only be abortion, or raising your child as a single parent. You can also lovingly place your child with a family who would love to raise your child with all the benefits, security and financial resources many birthmoms aren't able to provide at the time.
I had people come up afterward to speak to me who appreciated my simplicity of thought and sharing my experience so boldly. But the woman who touched me most was someone who came up after and wanted me to hear her personal experiences with her multiple adoptions.
Once she had shared, I hugged her and told her thank you for sharing, she turned around without a word, and left, silently disappearing into the crowd.
It was like all she wanted was someone to hear her and share her pain. I get that. Sometimes all I want is someone to hear me about my Mom and what I miss about her which is why I'm so grateful my aunt, my Mom's youngest sister, is there for me.
I can't discuss this with my sisters because they're dealing with their own grief and we're reacting in negative ways which aren't healthy for any of us. Despite outward appearances, my mother's death was an extremely hurtful, wounding experience among my immediate family for all of us. Pictures of us smiling belie the hurtful words and actions that happened then, but it's a memory nonetheless which is why I keep them.
It's been safer and healthier just to take the break I need to heal without them and even my Dad to a certain extent, I'm finding.
I kinda experienced this with one sister when I chose my adoption too. While we were caring for my Mom together while Mom was on her deathbed, Grace was shocked to hear I was still in communication with the adoptive family because she had assumed it would be over when I placed him with them.
Nope. We're still in each other's lives. For better or worse.:)
That's the misconception I think a lot of people have about the way adoptions can be handled now. I don't blame Grace for being ignorant, many are, but hopefully by my continuing to share my life experience with my open adoption and others too, we'll begin to remove the stigma and mystery surrounding this life choice.
I get to see my son grow up, hear about his life and hope to one day have more of a relationship with him when he's ready. I always chose to stay in touch because I never wanted him to doubt my love for him or the reason I chose adoption was because I didn't want him, but because I wasn't able to fully parent him in the way I was raised and wanted him to experience - with a loving Mother and Father.
Especially since he's bi-racial and felt he needed a positive male role-model growing up in today's society.
But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, my Mom's death and my subsequent loss.
The other interesting thing I've discovered about grief is that the longer you numb out on antidepressants, the longer it takes to heal. As a result, I worked hard to get off mine by gaining support through a therapist, my Grief Share group, a massage therapist, and friends who are sensitive to what I'm going through, having experienced the loss of a loved one themselves, or having backgrounds in psychology and healing.
My Psychiatrist could see I was in a much better place than when I had originally come into see him sobbing uncontrollably and agreed with me, just asking to touch base in a few months to see if I still feel good. I'm sure I will.
I like having my sex drive back. I like feeling again and being able to cry. It feels good to feel human, rather than repressed and inhuman. And my uncontrollable sobbing and negative thinking has diminished. Not gone completely, because I'm still grieving, but it's much less.
I learned about the repression and effects of antidepressants on the brain while watching TED talks on grief, which I highly recommend watching if you're going through a loss yourself. Very helpful information there.
Here's one I listened to which I liked, but there's numerous others too. Find one that speaks to you...
Check out www.ted.com for a WIDE variety of subjects, experts from all over the world and you will be amazed at how you grow and change after listening. I study topics I'm interested in like grief, travel, leadership and humor by fully immersing myself in a topic and listening to everything there is available.
You can watch however you like though. They're free and suited to how you want to learn and grow. Highly recommend checking it out. But that's my experience. May not be yours.
Having friends and group support doesn't protect you from feeling feelings of sadness, loss and anger which is why I know I still have a lot of work to do to heal. I've also recognized that the trauma I've carried throughout my life that I've never fully addressed is coming to the forefront during this time because the loss of my pillar of support, my Mom, makes me feel more vulnerable, more alone, and more aware of my need to grow and change and heal now more than ever.
Her death is also helping me clarify what I will and won't accept in my life which is healthy. It's changing the way I look at my remaining immediate family, lowering my expectations on them, and giving me the freedom to pursue healthier relationships that are nurturing, loving and supportive outside my immediate family.
As one of my friends said her friend told her, We may be born from our parents into the family we ended up in, but that doesn't mean we owe them anything to stay attached. So, I'm learning to detach with love and back away slowly. It's painful, I don't know how long I will do it, but as I heal and redefine who I am in the world without my Mom it's needed.
My Mom, although she was great in many ways, never believed I accomplished everything I had with my career. She constantly told me I was lying, even when I showed her my work and my clients as proof, and never attended any of the bigger career moments in my life like producing an awards ceremony on the backlot of Paramount Studios.
She even told me to stop putting so many accomplishments on my resume because no one would want to hire me. As a result, I began hiding parts of myself I felt would threaten employers, potential boyfriends and others to fit more into her acceptable view of what a female should be.
Despite the fact she was simply a hairstylist with only an AA Degree, never had any career experiences like mine and didn't understand my world at all, I wanted to please her though and secretly thought maybe she was right.
What's been interesting since her death is my choosing to finally reclaim who I fully am. I'm tired of downplaying what I've done, where I've been, and what I've accomplished. I've sacrificed a lot over the years, I've earned it and I'm proud of my life accomplishments.
I also decided to pursue becoming a TED Fellow because watching all the TED Talks while I did work that doesn't require my full brain, I heard people I could relate to, learn from, enjoyed hearing, and knew I would grow from being around. Who knows if they will accept me or not, but it really helped me to reframe my own life while filling out the application which took over 6 hours to complete.
As the Swahili sign we often saw while driving around Kenya said, Pole Pole. Slowly, slowly.
Or as the 12-step slogan says, Progress, not perfection.
I knew my Mom from the day I was born until her final breath which I was there to experience. I will always cherish the final months we were able to spend together. Normally she would forget my birthday, leave with the rest of my family to celebrate Christmas without me, leaving me to fend for myself alone and feeling abandoned, but this last Christmas was different.
She returned home early from visiting my sister in Austin while my Dad continued to stay for three weeks and it was just me and her.
She was sick and I took care of her bringing her soup, Gatorade, and making sure she was ok in between work.
She was thrilled to have time alone to play with her new sewing machine which you can see here that we're now trying to sell including the table and corresponding other pattern table.
I'm grateful my Mom was open to going to San Diego to visit my Aunt and surprised us both with special birthday cakes making this my first birthday in years that she actually acknowledged and celebrated. She even spoke with regret that she had never thought of doing this years earlier and promised that from that time on we would celebrate together again.
I will always cherish that time and the knowledge my little Mom loved me as much as I loved her.
There's more memories, but I think I've bent your ear enough and written enough for now. Thanks for reading all the way to here if you have. Look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments below, or via email. I moderate comments and don't always see them though until later fyi.
I would especially love to hear from those of you who knew my Mom, or had met my Mom, because it has been really lovely to receive emails, cards, and texts with that encouragement and understanding point-of-view.
Just please don't tell me like my high school counselor, Shirley did, I liked your sister's talk better at the funeral. Not helpful, or what I want to hear. Thanks Shirley. LOL
I look forward to continuing to grow and heal and will write more later. Hopefully, on happier topics.
I don't know what I want to write, but I know I have to. Listening to Alicia Keys new album is perfect for the mood I'm in. Her lyrics and voice speak to me. Always have, always will.
Especially this one.
Didn't realize when I attended my Bible Study tonight I would leave in tears, but it struck a chord deep in my heart that hasn't been touched for a very long time.
I think it's been building up ever since recently re-connecting with some of the girls from Harvest Home, a maternity home for unwed mothers, where I lived 14 years ago when I was pregnant, alone and scared for my future and my unborn child's too.
This time of year is always really hard for me. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is. Sometimes more than others. Don't know how this Christmas season will be, but hoping for the best. I totally relate to how lonely people can feel (even when you're surrounded by family and friends, or worse, when you're not.) It's also my birthday on New Year's Eve so pile on that with being single and you may have a tiny peek into how I feel every so often.
I realize it's why I try to fill my life with lots of activities. Easier to forget, ignore, or stuff down. It works normally and I'm fairly happy overall. But tonight's Bible lesson hit home and I couldn't avoid it any more.
The over-riding theme of our Bible Study is "Be Life Ready" and each week we learn a different spiritual application. Tonight Suzie, our women's ministry leader, was discussing the comparison between Eve and Mary's life which I had never heard before.
And I've been going to church since I was a child. Even studied for a year at a Bible College, attended a Christian Liberal Arts University, and yet never heard this before.
That's why I wasn't expecting any great deep spiritual application, but sometimes when you least expect it, get ready; God chooses the perfect timing to speak into our lives through others and his scriptures I've come to realize.
Suzie shared from Robert Lewis' book, The New Eve, "Eve's foolish chioices are used to introduce sin and death into the world. Conversely, Mary's courageous choices play a central role in helping bring forgiveness and life back to the world. Eve is the model of an outside-in lifestyle; Mary the model of an inside-out lifestyle."
She had a little graph to compare the two women in greater detail too and reading it is when I started crying.
Refused to believe God’s ways were best and tried to accomplish the
impossible; a better life without God.
Chose to believe that God’s ways were best and accepted the
impossible; a virgin birth (Luke 1:45)
Was enticed to seize control of her life
Was willing to release control of her life.
Became dissatisfied with all the good things God offered her and
chose instead to focus on the one forbidden thing she couldn’t have.
Was willing to rejoice in the one hard thing God offered her and
chose not to focus on all the difficult challenges it would bring to her
I realized right then and there I was both Eve and Mary back when I was pregnant. I had chosen to sin like Eve and slept with someone I shouldn't have, resulting in pregnancy. At that time, I had recently broken up with a man I had been seeing for three years and had slept with, never using protection and never got pregnant with him.
After our break-up, I didn't believe God would ever bring the right man into my life, this new guy was handsome, smart, and I succumbed to his charms. (Worst sex of my entire life, but perhaps that's T.M.I.:)
When I found out I was pregnant, secretly I thought I would raise my child in NYC away from everyone.
What a joke.
No, I didn't get to escape the humiliation, shame and pain. The guy did, but I had to live it on a daily basis. I lost my career in film and had to start over from the bottom. I remember picking up trash as a server at Paramount Pictures back lot during a party honoring Grease for some reason (anniversary? DVD release? Who knows...) and that was the very same studio I had produced a awards ceremony for my hugely successful online film festival, ME Fest, just a short time earlier.
Imagine seeing people you once were considered an equal to and then them seeing you picking up trash and dirty dishes. Talk about shame and pain. I gave up a lot to have my child. It's one of the reasons I couldn't watch independent films for years afterward. It was too much of a reminder of everything I had lost.
My son most of all.
I'm not writing this for pity. It would make me angry to feel you do so please know I have come a long way since then. Counseling, healing and peace go a long way. Love how Kelly Clarkson always also captures my mood perfectly.
Remember these ads too? That's how I feel sans the cancer stick.:) I've come a long way baby.
Back to Mary and Eve.
Luke 2:7 "And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn."
I had never heard that the word "inn" in the Greek isn't referring to a hotel room in this translation, but actually a guest room in someone's home. Suzie laid it out like this.
Imagine a 15 year old girl, a virgin, pregnant, and traveling with her fiance and his family turns them away because the shame was too great.
I love my parents, but I know my being pregnant out of wedlock was extremely hard on them. It's one of the reasons I chose to go live in a maternity home rather than stay with them. The shame and pain I was causing them, as well as myself, was too much to bear.
So I ran away to Venice where I lived with some amazing women who became like sisters to me despite our different backgrounds, races, upbringings and life experiences (including some real ghetto ho's I didn't like. Just keeping it real people.:)
Renee aka Sunny was one of the cool girls I met at the home. She was also one of the girls who was instrumental in my choosing to place my son in adoption since she had been through her own adoption prior to this child, Max, she was carrying when we met.
So imagine my pain and heartbreak over learning her beautiful child, Max, was killed by a drunk driver over this past summer. You bond when you live with someone and I felt the loss of her son like he was my own even though it had been years since I'd seen or heard from either of them.
I've always warned my Harvest Home "sisters" I would write a book about my experiences living there and about my adoption because I want women to understand you can survive and actually thrive after an adoption. You're not stuck with either aborting your unplanned child or raising it as a single mother. I spoke on this very topic in DC during a conference and said if you say you're pro-choice, then make sure you offer all choices, not just those which are currently offered by Planned Parenthood.
But I digress. That's a whole other story and political discussion for another time.
Another girl, not living at Harvest Home, but who upon hearing of my situation through friends began volunteering as a massage therapist soon after, also helped me make my decision because she too, had chosen adoption for her son.
This is where I felt I related to Mary in tonight's lesson.
I am by no means as saintly as Mary in the Bible, but I could relate to the feeling of surrender once I made my decision to choose adoption and just trust in God that everything would turn out ok even despite all the challenges.
It didn't come easy. Believe you me.
I fought against the 10pm curfew, the cleaning, cooking and rules of the home. I railed against God for my loss of my old life for a long time while living at Harvest Home. I missed going to Hollywood red carpet parties, mingling with celebrites, attending Tim Story's Bible Study (remember those?!:)
But I also distinctly remember when I finally surrendered and gave up any thought of having my old Hollywood life, that's when God brought the perfect couple to raise my son into my life.
At the very last moment too.
I had searched for the right family ever since my film festival had ended and was becoming desolate I would never find a couple that fit my criteria.
I had met with a counselor who suggested I write out the ten qualities I wanted the couple to have. I did and called an attorney for help who told me I would never find a couple like that. I was devastated! I called him after my adoption to tell him he was wrong and he should NEVER speak to anyone like that again.
Made me feel good.:)
I did eventually find a Christian attorney who told me God had a perfect family out there for my child if adoption was what God had in mind and I began the process of reviewing family profiles. It was still futile and I was beginning to wonder if God wanted me to be a single parent after all.
It was while I was participating in the filming of a news feature promoting A Window Between Worlds, a charity supporting battered women where I was working off some community service, I began crying during the art exercise and couldn't stop. They stopped filming and the kind AWBW counselor took me aside and encouraged me to write out my feelings.
It was then I surrendered to God and told Him if he wanted me to raise my child, I would. I walked home after that and that's when the package was waiting for me from the couple I would eventually choose to raise my son. All the girls were as excited as I was because we were all in this together at that point.
I grilled the potential couple and really had to pray, get counseling and think about whether or not I would go through with it when it actually became a possible reality because I had grown to love my unborn son. But also knew I wasn't prepared to be a single mom. I could barely take care of myself at that time.
I remember laughing in recognition during the documentary, Kingdom Come, hearing one filmmaker share how he was so focused on creating his film he went on welfare with his wife and newborn child to keep working on his film.
I did the same thing.
I continued to produce my film festival from the shelter and put all thoughts of adoption, or what I was going to do with my unplanned pregnancy, on hold until after I had completed my festival. Looking back I can't believe I put the needs of the filmmakers and everyone else above my own, but hearing the other filmmaker did the same made me realize sometimes film takes over everything else like a mania.
I'm not like that any more.
I don't allow things to consume me above taking care of myself first. It's like the flight attendant's admonition to put the oxygen mask on your own face before putting it on anyone else. I remember having that same thought after producing a toy drive for Hungarian orphans for five years, putting their needs ahead of my own, until one day I saw an ad for some other needy group and realized I couldn't help them until I helped myself.
I don't know why I'm sharing all this, but it feels good to finally share. I produced my film festival for five years and had many high profile people in the industry participate, even Forrest Whittaker, among many others. It looked like my future would progress just like any other successful film festival director in town.
Until I became pregnant.
Then everything stopped.
I don't regret my child, or my decision. That's not the reason I'm sharing. It's just that hearing about the woman who was an alcohol counselor who went out on a binge, then hit a man and dragged him stuck in her windshield around for miles ultimately taking his life reminds me even though I've not raised my son, I still have the potential for a real relationship with him as he grows older.
My friend Sunny doesn't have that luxury. Her precious child was killed by a drunk driver this past summer and Sunny will never see Max again. She barely survived the accident herself and when I saw her I was shocked at her appearance. That drunk woman has caused so much havoc in Sunny's life and it was her 3rd DUI.
Sunny has most of her teeth missing in front, her jaw had to be wired to rebuild it, she had a tracheotomoy, her knee is busted up, and she lives in constant pain. She can't remember the accident, was in a coma for a long time, and in the hospital for two months afterwards.
She's not the same, but continues to move forward because she has another son she adopted soon after having Max she cares for. It breaks my heart to see her post on Facebook how much she misses Max. I can only imagine the depth of this pain.
All because of a drunk driver.
Now can you see why this made me emotional? Imagine someone you love being treated this way by someone who has complete disregard for human life when she chose to drive while drunk. I know alcoholism is a disease, but it still breaks my heart.
It just does. I still have my son. I spoke to him on his birthday and got pictures. I know he loves me. I know I love him. I did what I did out of love and always want him to know that. He's doing so well.
Makes me happy.
But little Max doesn't have that opportunity any more. I think that's why reading the story of that drunk driver hit me so hard. And why I fought so hard politically against all the drunkenness at the Six Man Volleyball Tournament in Manhattan Beach and the excessive drinking in Hermosa Beach.
I value human life. I know there's so much life people who drink excessively miss out on. They don't know it yet, and maybe never will, but there's a whole world out there that's fun and exciting that doesn't involve drinking.
I'm tired. I think I've written this all out of me now. Just know, I'm doing well. My son is doing well. It's Sunny I'm concerned about. If any of you are dentists and feel like helping out, please leave a comment or contact me via my bio where I list my email.
I just feel like helping her as she did me so long ago. Love that girl. Love my son.
May even love you if I get to know you. LOL
Hope this made sense and helped you understand adoption a little better. It's a deeply personal sacrifice I rarely if ever talk about because it's so misunderstood and still secretive, but I feel like it was a good choice for me and my son at that time in my life.
God was there for me then. He's there for me now. I have accomplished a lot in my life, but my biggest accomplishment is choosing a good family for my son and seeing my son succeed. Makes me very happy. Now I want to help Sunny find peace and healing too.
Maybe this Christmas season will be different after all.
A Home for the Holidays is one show I have always skipped every year it comes on TV on because of my own adoption (almost wrote "open" adoption, but since the adoptive parents aren't really honoring it...).
Decided to give the show a whirl this year and I'm glad I have. It's filled with so much love and hope I really enjoyed it. Plus, the music was great. I remember when it first came on the air I had pitched my own adoption story because back then I was so happy with everything since the adoption had just happened.
Glad the producers didn't have me participate back then because I would hate to have something like that following me around now. That said, I think this was a very sweet show. I hope all the children and teen-agers get adopted.
If you go to Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, you will find all the details on the show, and how to adopt or foster a child if you have room and love to share as a foster parent. Wish I did - have the room and the resources to do so. I love kids and may have to consider it more seriously once I find a full-time job.:)
Years back I did publicity for a foster care organization called A Home Within which taught me a lot about this topic. A Home Within "seeks to heal the chronic loss experienced
by foster children by providing lasting and caring relationships
to current and former foster youth.
We connect foster youth with volunteer therapists through our
Local Chapters in communities across the country. We improve the lives of foster youth through direct services,
professional training, public awareness, and advocacy.
A Home Within is the only national nonprofit organization
focused exclusively on the emotional needs of foster children
and youth. You can make a difference by volunteering,
donating, or referring a child to our programs.
I hope you do contact them if you're a counselor wanting to make a difference in a child's life, a foster parent seeking help with your foster child or children, and/or a media outlet looking for an interesting, heart-warming organization to feature at this time of year, or simply a potential volunteer. They have chapters all over the U.S. and help is always needed.
Now onto another topic that is taking up a lot of news time - the Healthcare debacle. Yahoo had posted comparisons between the House and the Senate bills which you can read here, but I haven't bothered because I'm still so disgusted at Chicago-style politics I could puke.
I hope you have been writing and calling your "representatives" since they need to know your real feelings - although they're not listening. Still wondering where the Constitution and We the People is in all this.
Here's a great web site I just learned about called GradeGov.com - you get to grade your representative! "They work for you - remind them." is their slogan.
Carolina Attorney General Henry McMaster and top lawyers from seven
other states said Tuesday they are looking into whether the federal
health care reform bill is unconstitutional.
The move comes a
day after U.S. Sens. Lindsey Graham and Jim DeMint, both South Carolina
Republicans, asked McMaster, who is seeking the GOP nomination for
governor, to look into whether a no-cost Medicaid deal given to
Nebraska is legal.
U.S. Sen. Ben Nelson, a Nebraska Democrat, got
a concession that will give his state a 100 percent federal
reimbursement for Nebraska's Medicaid spending. The federal government
will reimburse other states at 91 percent under the proposed bill."
Click here for the rest of the article in case you're still unaware of what a major bribe Nebraska took to vote for this damn bill. And you will be paying for it too with increased taxes whereas they are exempt. Don't believe me? Read the article.
As I heard on TV the other night, "Just because it's historic, doesn't mean it's right."
There are also states planning to nullify whatever is created in DC because that is also our right as Americans. Gotta love the Constitution's checks and balances. If only CA had smarter leaders we would do the same, but it will never happen until we get them out of office which I am going to do everything in my power to make a reality.
I, and others, can only pray for God to intervene in this devious, horrible debacle being voted on at 7am in the morning. It's in His hands now.
A Home for the Holidays, A Home Within, Attorney General Henry McMaster, Call Me Senator, Constitution, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, Dianne Feinstein, gradegov.com, healthcare debacle, House, Jane Harmon, Jim DeMint, Joy A. Kennelly, Jr., Leroy Chapman, Nebraska's Medicaid spending, open adoption, Senate, U.S. Sen. Ben Nelson, U.S. Sens Lindsey Graham