Death defines you in ways you will never know until you lose someone #introspection

By Joy A. Kennelly

There are times in life where, when  you stand still, the rest of the world spins around you and you feel like you're in the middle of a hurricane. People talking, cars moving, life is going on at warp speed and you're simply standing in the middle of all this, observing, listening, taking it in, but not feeling anything or responding, just being still.

That's how I feel now that my Dad has died. It's like the world is moving at this warp speed, people are talking to me and I'm numb, listening, but not participating. Just observing their voices, their stories, their lives, but not feeling like I'm really there.

Out of the blue, my middle sister reached out to all my emails (I have 6 for various reasons) and said it's been awhile since you've had an update on Dad so if you're interested, please let me know. I had blocked my entire family on my phone because I didn't want any communication with them so email was her only recourse. 

To protect myself, I told her I would like to hear, but only in writing because she is also part of the family I blocked for what happened to me. I recently learned my family had tried to do a restraining order to prevent me from caring and seeing my Dad, but because he didn't want it because he loved me, and I have done nothing wrong, it was dropped. This is what I'm dealing with when I say I don't want anything to do with them any more. I did nothing wrong except attempt to prevent Miranda's negligence from killing my Dad.

But I digress. 

Grace revealed that they had decided to put Dad on morphine and oxygen (after I recently re-opened the conservatorship activity coincidentally), and he didn't have long to live. She would "relay any messages to him for me" like I couldn't even speak to my Dad personally. I thought that was bullshit and asked if Miranda had given him the Christmas card I sent where I told him I loved him.

Grace said she read all his cards to him and mine was included in that. So I had peace he still knew I loved him even though we haven't been able to speak due to the Cavins. Then I asked if I could speak to him.

She had returned to TX and was planning to fly back on Monday and agreed. But a call would have been snuck in because the Cavins still didn't want Dad to speak to me. This is the bullshit I've had to deal with and why I want nothing to do with any of them ever again. I wanted to tell him thank you for the life he's given me and being my Dad. But I think he knows that so I have peace in our final interaction.

Miranda is a sick control freak who faked a marriage and held a wedding that never was finalized with a marriage license so after 3 mos of "marriage" decided to call it off with a fake divorce. She's a master manipulator like her mother and only came around to "caring" for my Dad recently because the money my Dad gave her had run it's course and she wanted more (allegedly.:)

I pity the man who decides to have a relationship with her because she's so dishonest you will never have a real relationship. My friends and I pray my family is convicted by God because I didn't deserve what they've done and continue to do to me. 

But again, I digress.

Grace was detained in TX due to weather and work so when she emailed me and asked me to call her, I knew it was serious. That's when she told me Dad had died 30 minutes prior and she wanted to tell me personally. I think she was shocked I didn't burst into tears, but I had cried my heart out on Sunday and had actually given him up for dead last November when it was determined by the courts the Cavins would continue to mismanage his health and stay in control until our upcoming hearing.

I did everything in my power to save him for months on end, foregoing my own health, financial well being and life. After that was decided, I had no choice but to let go and let God. I drove up to Ojai that day and just bawled my eyes out knowing I would never see him again. That pain is still with me, but this song reflects the attitude I had to assume to get through that earlier heartbreak, Thy Will be Done by Hillary Scott and The Scott Family.

I've actually enjoyed not being responsible for anyone but me and I've pursued my EMDR therapy with great success. It's amazing to not feel on constant hyper vigilance all the time and feel in my body for the first time in a long time.

I still have more healing to do, but each time my therapist and I have a EMDR session, I feel more and more like the whirling dervish that has lived untamed inside my brain is being calmed into submission. My logical part of my brain is marrying to the part that is run by emotions and I finally feel calmer, more rational and more centered than I have in years.

But this past Sunday when I received the news Dad was probably going to die very soon, I didn't feel like that. I felt discombobulated, outside my body and like time was standing still. I did what I normally do and texted everyone I know to tell them. Many people responded with kind words, but there also those who have never responded. I don't think people know what to say during the loss of a loved one to death unless they've personally experienced it.

I drove around that night crying and thinking and wanted to drive to Malibu where it's always been my escape haven, but in light of everything going on and my lungs still not fully recovered, I decided I needed to choose a different beach escape and drove to Laguna instead. 

Driving back along the coast I discovered a familiar Italian restaurant from Manhattan Beach and chose to dine there alone. It was then my one friend who has become closer since I lost her sister to covid during the pandemic, called me. Out of all the friends I spoke to that night, she was the only one who truly listened, truly cared only about me, shared scripture with me and prayed for me. Every other Christian friend just didn't get the depths of my grief and rambled on about their lives too. 

I think when you've always been the strong one, the resilient one, people see you as someone without needs, without pain and they assume you can handle anything. But death redefines you in ways you can't explain. This song reflects this to me:

My Dad's death has touched the core of my being. These past few months not hearing his criticism or concern has been healing and allowed me time to remember other good qualities of him. I used to practice not speaking to him while living in TX in preparation for his death, but I always gave in after a few months because I missed him so much. Now I won't have that luxury.

It really hit me when I was speaking to someone about the finality of his death. And how much my Dad loved and cared for me all my life. Sometimes certain behaviors, attitudes and personality traits overshadow love, but when it's stripped away and all you have is the bare bones of a relationship, you really see it for what it truly is. 

Some friendships survive the impact of death. Some don't. 

I have seen that my 30 year long friendship which hasn't grown and changed with my healing of my family trauma and we've both seem to come to the realization we can't be there for each other in the same way right now. Or ever. Who knows?

When someone who has grown up with trauma continues to hide behind packing their life to the nth degree with busyness and constant stress, it never allows them to have to deal with their core pain. I heard that from a psychologist on Instagram. He said traits that women claim are merely parts of being a woman are really covering trauma.

And once I heard that I couldn't unhear it. I truly believe this friend has convinced herself she is fine by virtue of never having time to think and reflect or have any introspection. As long as those plates keep spinning and her family accommodates her dysfunction and new friends don't try to get to know her on too deep a level, then she will be fine. 

And the interesting thing I've become to realize is, our shared family traumatic upbringing has resulted in a shallow relationship that is bound by trauma and the crumbs we could give each other vs. a true authentic relationship. I truly wanted to believe we were family, but Thanksgiving revealed how false that really was.

As a result, now that I want more and to address what happened last Thanksgiving, she can't handle it and is refusing to work through it. And what I have to accept is, that's ok. She doesn't have the emotional capacity for anything deeper or confrontation and never has, or will, because this is how she has chosen to live her life to allow her to function.

How many others use alcohol, drugs, sex, over-eating to numb that part of themselves that is not healthy and don't think anything about it? I think if we are truly being honest, all of us have something we don't want to deal within our psyche. Don't you agree?

But if we keep burying it, not dealing with it, eventually it begins to fester and create deeper issues than if you do. I feel that the death of my father is going to hit my sisters deeper than me because they have buried the grief of losing my mom and now that there's no semblance of normalcy any more now that he has died too, it will finally begin to hit them and they may finally grieve and allow themselves to deal with the emotions they've tried to ignore. I hope they do for their sakes.

I could also be projecting.:) I don't know, and to be honest, don't care. They are them. I am me. I'm the sensitive one who has always been emotional and artistic. But I'm also the one bent on healing my trauma and when you're on a mission to heal, then you do. And if you're determined to bury your emotions and live a shallow life, then you do that too.

I truly feel death defines you in ways you never know it will until it happens. Then you dig deep into your soul and you shed the relationships, the situations, and the areas in your life that you don't want to carry moving forward. 

It's like you have new eyes and new discernment that wasn't revealed until the death of a loved one, especially a parent. I remember when my Mom died, I felt like an anchor to my life had been pulled out from under me. I was without a rudder and floating in grief. But I also felt this inner strength flood my soul and it was almost as if her spirit came into my body to give me strength I never had before. I can't explain it. 

I've only had this sensation once before while housesitting for a couple who had lost their daughter in a freak accident. They kept her bedroom the same and while they were away in Italy, the rats began invading the room to eat the papers and other belongings. I couldn't stand it and begged them to let me dismantle her bedroom to preserve her memory from being eaten alive.

They agreed and I packed up everything I could and put it in their garage for them. I think being free of that memory was one of the things that helped them get pregnant again when they returned and they allowed true healing to begin. They turned that room into a nursery last I heard.

One night after that room cleansing, I felt my body wrapped in love like I'd never experienced before. It was like a heavenly hug that filled every crook and cranny of my body with a love that made every pain, every aspect of my body feel whole. I know I'm not explaining it properly, but I truly felt loved by God or an angel in the fullest capacity. I've never felt that way ever again, but I believe that is what it's going to be like when we get to heaven. 

It's like that verse, Revelations 21:4 says, ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

And that is why I cling to the hope of heaven. I want to believe I will see my mom, my dad and friends I've lost over the years. I believe I will be in the presence of God and life will be perfect. There will be no more sorrow, no more pain, things that bothered me in my life, will no longer matter. There will only be harmony, peace and love forever and ever. 

As it says in Revelation 22:3-5

No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever. Years ago, when I lost my apartment and was rebuilding my life without my family or local friend's help, I ended up staying at a shelter in Wilmington where we were required to attend chapel nightly in order to stay there. You have not heard a more beautiful choir than one where people without a home are loudly singing, I've got a mansion, just over the hilltop.In case you've heard it, here's a version of Mansion Over the Hilltop by Bill & Gloria Gaither and Jeanne Johnson And if you believe the rumor that Elvis never died and is now a preacher preaching somewhere in the South, you may like the version he sang better:

Because I do have that experience of being homeless right after my Mom died and living with friends from Bible college until I eventually found a place in San Pedro supported by help from the government, I understand a little more what those who have lost everything from our fires. I understand having to start over and wondering if you'll ever have stability again. Will you ever have a place you can call your own where you're not using other people's dishes, living with people, and moving a lot. My heart breaks for my city. I can't talk about it without crying. 

My Dad wasn't perfect, but he was who God gave me as a parent. Like I said on Facebook, we had a complicated relationship. I was more the parent in certain respects after my Mom died and took her place mothering him. I made sure he had healthy meals, had the computer help he needed, and helped him put all his bills on auto pay and all his financial transactions on auto pay when I could see him to begin failing.

At that time, my sisters weren't really involved and when I left for GA that last time, I wrote a 5 page detailed description of everything I had done to care for my dad, from changing his sheets, to washing his clothes and everything else in between. I told them I was no longer going to be his caregiver and they would have to begin making his care a priority.

Do I regret turning over that responsibility when I see how it turned out? Yes. But on the other hand, I do feel it was time for my sisters to step up and it would never have happened unless I took that stance. Dad was also responsible for how his life turned out so I don't feel any blame at all.

So that's why I felt having my sisters having to deal with his end of life was their due. I would have still preferred for him to go live at Silverado where he could have lived out his life with a wonderful medical and social community to support him. I think he would have gone there except for my family's pressure to stay home and not spend their upcoming inheritance, but now that's he's passed, that's neither here or there.

If you attend my Dad's funeral, I won't be speaking and won't have anything to do with any of the planning, or sit with my family or be part of anything they do. I've divorced myself from my family and that means letting them have all the responsibility.

I handled the majority of my Mom's funeral and I can't do it again. I think it's time Glori sees how hard it truly is and how selfish she was when my Mom died. Or not. She is who she is and that's between her and God.

I comfort myself with this song as music is my haven and how I heal. May it provide some consolation to you if you have faith in God and have lost someone too. And if you haven't found peace with God, I encourage you to do so. You will never know the depth of the love you can feel until you repent and turn from your way of living to the way God has set forth before you....

God bless you. Thank you for taking the time to read my heart's message. Means a lot. Now I better get ready for my biz work call. Back to writing for another university. And healing....