I had an epiphany last night. Here's what it is...

By Joy A. Kennelly

Last night I attended the very interesting and fun annual Green Galactic PR "Chicks in the Biz" party that my friend Lynn Tejada throws for a rotating group of female business owners and leaders which created an epiphany for me.

PR people are the most social, most active and most intelligent people I know and my friend Lynn is no exception. As a result, the women she surrounds herself with are the same which makes for a very entertaining night. As you can imagine, with 40 plus women networking and connecting, it does get a little loud.:) Lynn is also a very gracious hostess with the mostest. Don't ask me when or how we met, it's been too long, but I am grateful we're friends.

But that wasn't my epiphany. It was this.

When your professional life revolves around going out, socializing, attending red carpet events and smaller more intimate one-of-a-kind events, your circle becomes the people you see out and about. You have friendships that are strong because you see each other frequently in social circles even when you may never see them outside the event. But those friendships are just as strong as those you see or have known for years because of the common professional bond you share. This is especially true if you're a sole proprietor and you work and live alone. 

As one new friend stated last night, "I go out nightly because if I don't, thoughts I don't want creep in and it's not good." And that is where my epiphany hit me. I currently live in Anaheim where I know no one and have new church and work friends and my roommate, but otherwise, don't really know people. As a result, I stay home more than I would normally.

What I also realized in talking to other entrepreneurs last night around a campfire, is that we're all still recovering from the trauma of the pandemic. So many people died, so many friendships were ended due to the lockdown, so many cherished businesses and areas were decimated and closed down forever, and so many favorite events ended, and people stopped communicating with those who had a different opinion on how to deal with the pandemic that we're all having to learn what life is like without our familiar touchstones and it's hard.

This Thanksgiving was one of the hardest I've ever experienced because it was the first time I didn't have my Aunt and Dad to spend time with. My Aunt died recently and now that I'm not worrying about my Dad, the grief over the loss of my Aunt has sometimes been overwhelming. I hear a song she loved and I just start to cry. I can't help it. 

Recently, I went to the opening of the new River Street Marketplace in San Juan Capistrano, CA and wished my Aunt was alive to take her there with me. Her nursing home was just down the road and she was the person who introduced me to the quaint historic Los Rios shopping area that now hosts River Street Marketplace. She would have really enjoyed all the hustle and bustle and kids playing in the green park in the middle of all the surrounding shopping and dining. I had fun, but wishing my Aunt was with me was always present.

I also realized last night that the reason this transition has been so difficult is because my friends I would normally socialize with, see very regularly and enjoy mental, visual and physical stimulation with by attending an event, I don't. It's like half my life has been shut down and last night was the first night it felt awakened in over 2 years. I felt shy and overwhelmed at first, but found my group and we hung out around a campfire while everyone was inside sharing their pitch for work which wasn't what I needed. I needed community and conversation.

I bumped into an old friend, Jennifer Yeko, who now runs a career coaching business where she helps people with their resumes, Linkedin profiles, strategy, job leads and more. I've known her for years too and it was like bumping into family which was so comforting. We still have things in common even after not seeing each other for years and picked right up where we left off like no time had passed.

That is what I miss. The family like experience you always felt when you went out. Those were the people who understood your lifestyle, your career, your frustrations, your joys, and your dreams and goals. The rest of society didn't and that was ok because they fulfilled other roles, just in more minor places.

And this is where I had my epiphany in greater detail.

Due to moving to Florida during the pandemic, then Texas and now back to the South Bay, it's like all the people in my life who would normally play a much smaller role due to my professional and personal support system in my career, were pushed into a bigger role because I have been so cut off from my normal life. 

Friends I would see maybe once a month if that, suddenly I wanted to see more often and spend time with and expected they would too. However, they're still the once a month friend, see you around friend, fit you in when I can friend, and my life is super busy, when will yours be friend. Not my social circle, but my social drop in friend.

And expecting them to be anything different than what they were before wasn't fair to them, nor has it been to me. They are who they are, I'm the one who has changed. I'm the one who wants to play a bigger role in their lives that they don't have space for, nor apparently, the desire to. And that has to be ok in order to maintain the friendship. Or not.

I can't expect someone who has a family, and suffers from past unresolved trauma which makes certain situations overwhelming and who struggles with setting boundaries to allow me to interfere with Thanksgiving rituals just because I'm all alone. It's not feasible in the manner in which they live to allow it and being hurt by their statement, "It would ruin the dynamic and I don't get to see my kids very often," even though they recently spent an entire weekend together in Palm Springs, and were going out to a restuarant doesn't mean I should expect her to ever understand the deep pain and hurt it caused me that day to be so rejected, rather than welcomed and included. I don't think she's capable and I have to either accept that is who she is and that's ok, or end a 30 year friendship.

I've been struggling with this since Thanksgiving and neither of us have called to reconcile, perhaps because we're both doing the same thing. Deciding on whether or not to continue our delicate dance. When she said what she said, I blurted out, "Then why I am back in CA?" to which she hung up. That hurt even more, but I know her and know she couldn't handle the truth or the confrontation. It was too much for her. It always is, but that particular day it hit even harder. She hasn't been there for me for many of the heart wrenching life experiences I've gone through even when I keep turning to her for love and support. I've had time to really think is this what I want to continue accepting? And I can only imagine what she's thinking. 

I think after this whole situation with my Dad choosing my niece and Paul over his own daughter, I've come to really evaluate what I put up with in my life and whether or not I want to continue living like this with half  or negative relationships, or do I want full friendships where people truly are there for me. 

Do I want to be close friends with a friend who is having a very small intimate wedding and has decided not to include me over a friend who constantly uses her who another friend has called a "loser" to help this friend see how bad this person is for her, or do I want to let this friendship become less a priority and focus more on what I want in life. 

Evaluating life's choices and the people I choose as friends and family has been very difficult. Being alone so much, all you have are your thoughts and God. It's easy to fall into self-doubting and defeat, but more and more I can see I'm a survivor. I will get through this season and make new friends who love and cherish and support me. I will have fun. I will make new memories and although my older friends will always hold a special place in my life and my heart, they won't take such priority over doing what I think is important for me any longer. As they probably are doing too.

They will move back into their "once-a-month if that" realm of spending time together and I will cultivate friendships that nourish and feed my soul as I will do theirs. My other friend recently had surgery and was in a rehab center in Santa Monica. Each time I visit which hasn't been that often, but what I can spend, it takes over an hour to reach her and we spend about 2-3 hours together just talking and sharing. I've known her forever too, but we haven't spent a lot of time together since I returned home, but after these last two visits, I know I will now.

Each time she has complimented my hair, my makeup, my weight loss, and we've shared memories that mean a lot to both of us. Sometimes you have to let go of the shallow friendships to find the ones that are deeper. And even though it's new, it feels good to re-arrange friendships like chess pieces in The Queen's Gambit to create the family you need, not the family you were given.

And that's ok.

May you find your friend family too this season. We all deserve love.