You can lead a horse to water....
November 19, 2024
Well, after 2 attempts to gain temporary conservatorship of my Dad and move him into Silverado Memory Care facility to allow him to receive proper care, I have lost. And I finally have to accept the fact my Dad will never believe those in charge of his care aren't medically qualified, have caused his quick decline and this is an awful end of life, but that is his absolute choice, so be it.
I'm walking away from everything and everyone to maintain my sanity and remove any obstacle of his dying quickly to allow him to be out of pain and suffering. It wasn't an easy decision, but after much prayers by all my friends and church and KLOVE, I have to accept this is God's will for my family at this time.
Doesn't mean I agree with it, but I think I've reached the acceptance stage of my grief. I have cried and yelled out to God over these past few months because I didn't want to believe that my Dad wouldn't choose health and life, but I also have to remember this fact about him. He has dementia and because of that will cling to what is familiar, even when it's not in his best interests.
Falling 3 times in less than 10 days was heartbreaking to learn about recently and I have to simply leave him to his choice because the court has made it clear this is what they think is best. Even though the court-appointed attorney has only seen my Dad twice. I can't fight against 5 people including 2 lawyers so I give up. I did everything in my power to protect my Dad.
Now go with God.
When I lived in Austin, I had a therapist who had me read, , which was very insightful. I felt seen for the first time in my adult life.
But I still didn't want to let go of the hope that I could have a real relationship with my Dad when I returned to care for him. You know what was the hardest part to watch? Seeing him do really well when I first came home and was able to cook healthy, nutritious meals for him. He was ready to take care of errands, do his exercises and everything else he had on his list, but his granddaughter refused to allow him and kept him at home. Losing his independence, his ability to drive and have some autonomy was the start of his decline.
Add all the legal and financial abuse that the family decided to instigate against me, it makes complete sense my Dad has failed as quickly as he has. I tried everything in my power to help him, and after one elder abuse social worker said I should pursue conservatorship to save him, as a last resort, I began working on that effort.
It wasn't easy and it was sad to think it had come to this, but I felt this was going to be the only way to remove the chokehold his granddaughter has had on his care. After his hospitalization, it only got worse with now her parents more involved and determined to prevent me from seeing him. More abuse keeping him isolated and preventing the socialization necessary to maintain a high quality of life.
So, my decision to "divorce" my family and this entire situation hasn't come easy. It's been gut wrenching, but when people begin lying about you to maintain control and threaten legal action based on these lies, then it's time to self preserve first. I refuse to have my integrity damaged by liars. Because that is who Miranda Cavin is. But then again, so is her mother Glori, so why should the apple drop any further from the tree?
When you don't see me at my Dad's funeral just know I will be honoring him in my own way apart from the toxic people who surrounded him at the end. I want nothing more to do with any of them. I really hope my complaint with the CA State Bar is taken seriously and actions are taken to prevent people from ever doing something like this again to another vulnerable senior.
All this to say, when it's time to consider your own end of life plans be absolutely certain the person you assign to manage your healthcare will be living in the same state as you are to see to your care firsthand and have the ability to deal with medical professionals and trust their judgment. And if a caregiver isn't medically trained and is cooking bad foods for you or who you are caring for, change agencies immediately as they will continue their ignorance because they have no training.
Also, make sure that there won't be people who have NO medical training responsible for your final care. I also encourage you to get everything in writing and consider moving into a home that will help you maintain your health beyond what an inexperienced, ignorant family member decides is best. Greed has a funny way of changing even the best intentions of anyone involved.
What's sad is when I share with certain people my story, they can't believe it and are horrified at the extent this elder abuse has taken, but then others share they have friends going through similar experiences. It's becoming more common due to so many people reaching the end of their lives either due to illness or old age.
All this to say, time to enter a new chapter of my life without those I have called family. It's been a toxic experience my entire life and I am ready to shed that toxicity once and for all to live free and happy.
The day after I was told I wouldn't get temporary conservatorship the second time because I hadn't submitted the $8,000 psychological evaluation necessary to determine Dad is incapacitated despite his neurologist writing in a letter on July 30, 2024 that Dad can't handle his legal, financial, or medical decisions any longer and despite the first judge willing to grant it to me based on the probate investigator's recommendation, I had decided this would be my last attempt and trust that this was God's will for my Dad. (I had lost the first time because the prepaid legal attorney had said to ask for limited conservatorship rather than general, causing me to have to re-file.)
That day I found out yet again I wouldn't get to help Dad any further, I drove to Ojai and sobbed and yelled at God, spoke to a close friend and a therapist to get all the rage and hurt and sorrow out of my system. Ojai is my healing place and it felt good to release all the pain and sorrow there to return free of this heavy burden of caring for Dad I've been carrying since my Mom died in 2016.
The next morning, after dreaming for the first time in a long time, I woke up happy and relieved. I AM FREE! I no longer have to worry about my Dad, worry how many more lies Miranda will tell about me, or see any of them ever again. It feels really good to not attend his funeral. I will honor his memory privately.
You know what else is really ironic? The week before all this went down I was with my therapist and we decided to do an EMDR therapy treatment about my relationship with my Dad. I was surprised at how many negative experiences over my entire lifetime came up that I had buried and now could heal from.
As my Aunt would say, I'm resilient and I'm a survivor. I miss her a lot now that I live in OC and near where she was living before she passed. (If you're in Orange County, I highly recommend The Orchards as a resource for your final years.) I find there are things I want to tell her, but she's gone and so I keep them to myself because no one else will really appreciate it like she would have.
As Thanksgiving approaches and is the one holiday I always shared with my parents and my Aunt and Uncle, the loss of everyone hits deeper than it ever has before. I can't bear to see my Dad half-alive and really don't believe he will live to see Christmas. This will be one of the few Thanksgivings I didn't spend with my CA family because I don't consider those who live in CO family ever really. Neither TX now as I see that sister has sided with someone who chose to abuse me. I have no safety so choose to avoid everyone and everything.
I'll never forget living in Echo Park for a month and thinking I wouldn't go to Thanksgiving that year at my Aunt and Uncle's home. But the next day, Black Friday, I missed everyone so much I drove all the way to San Diego to surprise them and we went shopping together like we loved doing. They were so happy to see me and I was so happy to be there.
I have to cling to the happy, positive memories and move forward. If you've lived with a toxic family, you get what I'm saying. If your family isn't like this, then you won't. And that's ok. I hope there's more of you that don't get it, than do, because it's hell to not feel safe with the people you're supposed to have safety with.
Fortunately, I have a Christian family who love me, support me, believe in and are there for me who have been there for me over the years. That's why I'm excited to be part of Mariner's Church now. Everyone I have met is so warm and welcoming and loving. I feel accepted and encouraged by their new friendships.
My other Christian friends I've known for years are spread out all over, but I feel their love and support too. I couldn't have made it these last 5 months without them praying for me and loving me.
So this is why I know, moving forward, I will be ok. Just because I don't have my biological family any longer, I have a spiritual family who is really caring and they will help me move forward as they have always done so. I leave you with this song to encourage you if you're experiencing something similar in your family of origin:
God loves you and so do I. Now have a wonderful holiday season! I plan to and hope you do too!
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