Taking a deeper dive into trauma, relationships and how these inform each other

By Joy A. Kennelly

I will admit, perhaps I watch too many TikToks, Instagram reels and videos on Facebook and YouTube, so shoot me. Just realized I shouldn't say that now that I live in Texas! People might take me up on it. lol

I am an info addict and those feed my curiosity immensely. Little bits of knowledge and wisdom parsed out in quick bites is perfect for the way my mind processes things. Then, if I'm really curious, I'll dig a little deeper or go down the rabbit hole in that person's feed to see what else they say about a subject. 

Am I alone in this? Or are you a consumer of social media the way I am?

In any case, lately, I've been enjoying watching male comedians because for some reason a lot of female comedians come across as too shrill or bitter for me or too intent on bashing men, and I like men.

I learn a lot about the male psyche watching guys like Tom Segura, Joe Rogan, Bert the bear (can't spell or remember his last name.:), Gary Owen, Theo (whatever his last name is), Bobby and Andrew (I'm really bad with last names and too lazy to look them up so bear with me), John Crist, Ali Sidik (sp?:) and others whose names escape me because I haven't had coffee yet.

Why am I awake so early!? Did you know your brain is most plastic and open to new concepts right when you wake up? Learned that listening to a neuroscientist. I have to wonder if that's why as Christians, we're encouraged to read our Bible when we first wake up to make what we read stick more.

 And did you know if you don't turn your phone on right when you wake up and do other things like see the sun for 15 minutes first thing, you will reset your body clock to help break insomnia? I'm putting this in layman's terms, but I've heard it repeatedly by people who study human motivation and the brain. 

I think the way God made us as humans is fascinating. I recently learned of a book called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk and plan to read it. Here's an excerpt to explain why:

"A pioneering researcher transforms our understanding of trauma and offers a bold new paradigm for healing in this New York Times bestseller

Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust.

He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers new hope for reclaiming lives."

Doesn't that sound fascinating? I've included my affiliate link above if you want to buy it. (Sorry, this is a new way of blogging for me so excuse the crass money plugs, but why shouldn't I get compensated when I refer someone to something good?:)

In any case, listening to these comedians, they're extremely vulnerable in sharing their lives and I think that's why I'm so drawn to listening right now. Joe Rogan, not as much, but I like him because he's always sharing extremely obscure bits of information and then shows the video to back it up. I didn't use to like him because he swore so much, but lately, he's been more respectful, or else I'm immune now.

I hate when people use the F-word as a crutch in comedy. It's why I stopped watching Kevin Hart. I used to LOVE Kevin too, but after a while, the swearing is desensitizing and dehumanizing. I feel it demeans our society and reduces language to the lowest common denominator when there are so many more words in the English dictionary and the world of language in general.

My favorite from old times is hurly-burly. Dictionary Definitions from Oxford Languages hurl·y-burl·y /ˌhərlēˈbərlē/ noun busy, boisterous activity. "the hurly-burly of school life"

But I digress as my other favorite gay comedian, Greg, always says. He likes to share what his students say to him in drama class and it always cracks me up to hear what children think in this day and age. But sometimes all the bodily fluid jokes become too much.

Where was I? Oh yes, trauma in the body. I was fascinated to learn that there is so much trauma in the world among common folks. I always thought PTSD was confined to veterans, rape victims, and other victims of violence or horrible things, but the deeper I dive, the more I learn it really can affect all of us as explained above.

And I don't know about you, but I feel relieved to know that certain patterns of behavior like moving a lot, having lots of jobs, or on the flip side, being a workaholic, having difficulty with being emotionally trusting in relationships, not liking loud noises, and other things are a reflection of trauma.

I'm listening to a bird sing outside my window and it's so pleasant. I rarely hear them so let's all take a pause on trauma and enjoy the quiet moments in life that we experience when we wake up super early and live in a peaceful environment.

Doesn't that feel calming? Now do you see why I love living in Texas? I listened to my favorite original podcast recently, This American Life by Ira Glass, and his Russian producer was sharing the story of her mother coming to America as an immigrant and having difficulty adjusting to New York.

Listening to her share, I realized I'm going through something similar living here in Texas. It's a HUGE adjustment because everything is new. The way people interact interpersonally, the way the streets are set up, how people socialize, what there is to do here, and a very different way of life overall. 

What I find ironic is that it's been 6 months plus since I've been living in Austin, TX and there are times I hate it so much if I didn't have a lease that penalizes you $2,000 if you terminate it early, I would already have moved on. However, since I'm stuck because I don't feel like wasting that money, I'm going to attempt to stay in one place and make the best of it and dig in like my Texas friends encourage me to do.

Such a novel concept. 

I think trauma has affected society overall when I observe dating now that I'm open to it again. I see so many men liking my profile, and wanting to be friends, or more, then when you match, they don't reach out. And if they do, they are younger men who like older women for their sexual prowess, or they have a thing for voluptuous women because they think we're more accepting of them and that's why they reach out. But what I find most fascinating is when you provide your number, they hide behind texting. 

If I wanted a pen pal, I would find a child in a foreign country and sponsor them. LOL 

I'm at the stage of my life where I want a man to be a man and allow me to be in my feminine. Just pick up the phone, call, and see if you connect already!:)

I saw one of my TikTok faves, Scott D Henry, duet with a girl who was explaining why she didn't want to date a guy after her first date and I agreed with her. Scott was mocking her for wanting the guy to be the one to make plans, set a time, confirm, and then meet vs letting the girl make all the decisions on where to meet, the guy not making any reservations, and then just planning to wing it the day of by calling to confirm day of.

I think because so many women have been so easy to get into bed lately, men think they don't have to earn it anymore or put in any effort and I think that is also a reflection of trauma. 

When you're not raised to value yourself or trust yourself, when you're young, you feel giving yourself away quickly will cause a guy to fall in love with you, but it doesn't work like that ladies. And men, stop taking advantage of this and start respecting yourself too. Sure you can sleep with tons of women, but is it fulfilling? Is this really how you want to spend your life? Or do you want to be loved and love back? Think about it.

Relationships are worth it. 

Men fall in love with women who are their friends first, whereas women fall in love through physical connection. Here's an oldie, but goodie book in case you're interested in becoming better at relationships: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

Part of: a practical guide for Improving Communication and getting what you want in your relationships (3 books)  | by John Gray 

 

I read this book years ago and it was very interesting to learn how men are so different! I think that's why I enjoy listening to my male comedian rotation so much. Even though they're crass and sometimes dirty, at least with videos, I can just click past until I find one I like better. And you learn how guys think in an unfiltered, honest way.

 

Comedian Neal Brennan is one guy I don't particularly find that funny, sorry Neal, but I enjoy his podcast where he interviews other comedians. I find him too intellectualizing in his humor and when I want to laugh, I don't want to have to think that hard. I think so much about so many other things, comedy is where I relax and enjoy. So nothing personal Neal, just not my style.

 

He interviewed Gary Owen and he had a lot of trauma growing up in a trailer park with an absent dad who barely loves him even now, a mother whose constantly changing lovers were required to take him to school, and other things that were really sad to hear. But because he's a comedian and tells it funnily, I was laughing.

 

I noticed too a pattern of people who have endured trauma is they hide it under laughter or joke about it. I remember one time a group of us went to the Aspen Comedy Festival together for fun and we arrived early because the one girl had a beautiful mansion we were able to stay in. And I do mean mansion. It was one of the best vacations I think I've ever had. Comedy for a week, a beautiful mansion, and having fun? Sign me up again!

We went to hear all the comedians and I'll never forget one guy who had been pursuing comedy as a career for a very long time who just went off on a furious rant that he wasn't being selected to have a sitcom or agent even. He was so angry I was worried he might hurt someone. His trauma was in our faces that day.

 

I often wonder how many famous people wouldn't have become famous if they didn't have a trauma wound pushing them to find love and validation from society because they didn't receive it from home or their relationships or whatever. 

 

I enjoy reading memoirs because of the real stories of how hard it was to climb the ladder of success and how they overcame a lot to achieve the level of success they had. It's never, look at me, my life is great! It is more like, these were the hard things I went through, this is how I've overcome it, and here are the results.

 

Just recently John Stamos wrote his biography, If You Would Have Told Me  An Audible Best of the Year 2023 Celebrity Memoir Selection This program is read by the author.

“...I love him, and I respect him, and I need him. We all do.” —from the foreword, written and read by Jamie Lee Curtis

It's comforting to hear famous people struggle because then I realize that even though I don't want to be famous, as long as I keep plugging away, one day I will achieve my goals too. It never happens overnight.

 

That's why it bothers me that Kat Williams would tear other guys down so hard. And if it's true what he's said about sexual favors, then I wish those comedians would speak up to help change the entertainment industry rather than hide behind their success and pretend it never happened. If this is prevalent, bring it to the light so it can be cleaned up!

 

Sexual abuse isn't limited to one gender. And I feel the entertainment industry in particular is a breeding ground for that due to unresolved trauma in the people who perpetuate it. The more I learn about trauma, the more I realize how negatively it's affected all aspects of our lives in society and how much healing is needed.

 

I heard someone say recently that looking back into your trauma and healing it, is similar to a slingshot. You pull back and back and back all the layers of your truth, and once you're healed, you spring farther ahead even farther because now nothing is holding you back. 

 

I hope what I've shared has made sense and you will consider your trauma if you're carrying any. Do you want to continue to live a life that is shadowed by past wounds? Or do you want to be free to live a life that is fully lived and happy? 

I look at friends who have had loving, supportive childhoods and their life experiences and expectations are drastically different than mine. I have difficulty trusting, they don't. I want what they have and I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve it even if it's painful and difficult. 

 

I believe healing is powerful and worth fighting for. I hope you will too.

 

Take care. The birds have stopped, I have lots to do, but it's been nice to share what's been on my heart with you. I hope you have a wonderful day! 

 

And remember, it's never too late to have a happy childhood.:)