My heartfelt reaction to the riots and mass destruction happening around the country.

By Joy A. Kennelly

It feels great to be blogging again. I stopped because these blogs take hours to write and format which I normally don't have time to do. I also told myself I didn't want to write if I wasn't getting paid, but I find blogging is my therapy and as a result, I kinda need to right now. It's the only way I can make sense of what's going on and get out of swirling around in my brain on things I have no control over. You feel me?

Case in point, all the rioting going on. If you seriously believe this is the result of one black man's death and isn't orchestrated by evil forces wanting to take America down, then you haven't heard how prepared the rioters were in Dallas and how the people running it were directing people to pallets of bricks and brought pallets of water. Who has that kind of money and time to orchestrate a full on attack? And why would black people destroy their own neighborhoods, stores, small businesses?

It just doesn't make sense. 

But nothing makes sense right now. The senseless death of George Floyd has been denounced by numerous good cops, but you won't hear that on the news because it doesn't fit the narrative. Did you hear that George worked at a nightclub with the cop who killed him? What does that say about pre-meditated murder? What does it say about why this cop should have been stopped by the others who stood around and watched?

It's why I like TikTok so much. You hear from people in uniform, whether it be a nurse, a doctor or a cop exactly how they're feeling, what is going on in their cities, their hospitals and wherever they are. And it helps put things into perspective because it's not biased, no agenda, just people sharing.

I used to only see dancing kids and that was soothing to me because they're so innocent and remind me of my youth, but now, I like hearing from adults around the country because the news doesn't accurately reflect the reality most people are facing. It's a sad truth when you can't trust your media to be objective, but this is where we are now. 80% of the media is liberal and as a result, you will really only hear that perspective despite the fact it is hurting people.

People are dying. People are losing their businesses. People are being flamed into fury and doing things they might never do normally.

And all for what?

A political agenda that will create more chaos, more poverty, more destruction? You look at any Democrat run state and they are in shambles. California - highest homelessness in the nation; New York - highest deaths in their retirement communities because Andrew Cuomo put 6,000 infected people into them knowing it would cause death for seniors. Why? Detroit - highest death rate of black on black murders even with gun control. 

It's not guns people, we have a heart and mind issue in our country and that's why I pray and call upon God to save us because the government isn't the answer. I don't care who is in office. We have seen trouble building and now it's escalated into full out war and it's devastating. 

Is this really who we want to be as a country? A nation? A society? A people? I know I sure don't want to have this be our normal existence. This isn't the America I grew up with or want to die experiencing. 

It's why the scriptures I memorized as a child keep coming back to me now because they're the only way I find comfort and solace when everything is imploding around me.

And I mean everything.

I was going to list it all, but that was too overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like Biblical times and we're going through the ten plagues only ten times worse. I've never in my entire lifetime seen such chaos and such complete and utter failure of control and decency. It's like what else is coming? What else will it take before people realize they need God? We can't keep doing this without a moral compass people. We can't expect to resolve heart issues without first looking at ourselves and asking what about me? Where is my part in all this? What have I done, or not done to resolve this heart ache? 

Because if you're really honest with yourself, you will see the heartache of every black person, every small business owner, every neighbor and every child who is crying out for help and what have you done to resolve it? Have you spoken up about injustice? Have you stood up against evil in our society to prevent it from getting stronger? Have you stopped racist remarks when you hear them among your friends? Have you ever considered why poor people are poor and bothered to help them? 

Sometimes I feel like God has put me in the neighborhood and the situations I've been living in to humble my heart, to show me what it's really like to not have enough food, not enough gas, not enough...because I came from a white middle class privileged life and didn't understand it on a heart level. I went to church, I prayed, I cared, but I didn't really get it. I was mad when homeless people dug through my trash waking me up. I was closed off to those begging on the side of the freeway.

I just didn't want to get it.

However, when you live through what I've lived through all of a sudden you really begin to understand what breaks God's heart and look at people as people rather than statistics, or people to avoid. Fortunately, having lived in Africa as a child, I am more aware of what black people experience too.

I experienced reverse racism or what it feels like to be a minority as one of the few white people traveling through Burkina Faso after college. When you're the minority and nobody speaks  your language and you have to rely on the kindness of strangers when your supposed friend turns on you and begins to treat you with anger and take out on you all the hurt and pain she experienced living in America, then you begin to realize the simmering rage that lies just below the surface and the pain that our collective racism causes black people. 

Attending a black church for a few years, I began to understand the fear and underlying worry that black people experience every time they leave their home when every choir practice included a prayer for safety. I have been part of other white choirs and never once did we pray for safety. It wasn't even on the radar. 

I've dated numerous black men and even have a son from one. We talked about politics, life and I know I brought one into circles he wouldn't normally enter without me. But I also know I will never date another black guy again. The last guy was just too abusive, too addicted, too mean and self-centered to ever make me look at a black guy with the same innocent eyes of someone who hasn't experienced abuse - sexual, mental and financial at the hands of someone you think you love.

Not to say white guys aren't capable of such things too, but it's just a personal choice not to be involved with anyone black again. I've had nothing but heartache from all the black guys I've dated and now I'm ready to meet a nice white guy. I want some semblance of a normal romantic life that isn't marred by what they experienced growing up and take out on me if that makes sense. I have enough baggage of my own to deal with than to take on someone else's too. I'm working on healing the wounds of my past and growing and changing. I need someone on the same path.

Well, that was sure personal, but since I am on the topic felt like clarifying. I actually don't feel like dating anyone of any other culture, any other race to be honest. I just want a guy who lives in the same environment as I do, experiences life like I do and enjoys the same things that I do. Is that too much to ask? Someone who has a faith in God and has the same moral compass. Someone who believes in the power of prayer and applies the Bible to living a better life built on faith, honesty, and love.

I know I'm not perfect. Never said I was.

In fact, lately under quarantine I've even begun to question why I keep doing certain things and why I constantly feel like I have to defend myself because it's exhausting to tell the truth. I also hate when I hurt people and don't mean to. It sometimes feels like I'm the feral cat in a corner lashing out even when people are trying to help. And I wonder what will tame this part of me. It's why I've begun joining a Bible Study to learn new ways of coping, communicating and loving. It's why I listen to so many sermons when I'm feeling especially hurt. It's why I pray that God will reveal in me what needs to be changed and help me to change.

It's not a fast process. It's not an easy process. But being aware of the issue, wanting to change and working towards it is the first step. 

It's what I hope happens with each of you reading this, and our society too. We can't keep pointing fingers at everyone saying You have to change. You're the problem. It's all your fault. Because there are three fingers pointing back at you like the child's adage says.

What are YOU doing that needs correction? What are YOU saying that needs to stop? What are YOU doing in relationships with men, women, minorities, or others who aren't you that needs to change? What are YOU doing to make that change? 

I really liked this guy's perspective which is why I'm going to share it here now because I don't think anything we humans do are capable of making the heart changes that only God can do. We just aren't wise enough, strong enough, or determined enough to change without relying on a higher power. It's why AA and all the other 12 step programs lead us to God. We have to first admit we're powerless over whatever is holding us back - sex addiction, porn, racism, greed, hate, alcohol, drugs, whatever wound we're covering up through whatever addiction we have. We have to admit we're powerless over it.

Watch this short video to hear the promise God makes if we do.

Just had a wonderful call with a former roommate who is black and we love each other dearly. I can be honest with her and she with me on topics normally not discussed with other friends. We cried, we laughed, we commiserated, and we prayed because that's what helps us get through our pain, our situations and our lives.

I hope you have someone you can be this honest with and share your life with. It makes all the difference in the world. I think I've blogged enough. I feel better and my tears are under control again. My heart breaks for those who have experienced the destruction of their businesses, their homes and their lives. But I can't keep crying or grieving. I have to live my life and pull it together for me. When I do, then I can help others more.

Right now? Just trying to survive.

And with that, I bid you adieu. God bless. Remember God loves you and so do I. Turn to Jesus because He's your help in time of need and is waiting on you...