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It feels great to be blogging again. I stopped because these blogs take hours to write and format which I normally don't have time to do. I also told myself I didn't want to write if I wasn't getting paid, but I find blogging is my therapy and as a result, I kinda need to right now. It's the only way I can make sense of what's going on and get out of swirling around in my brain on things I have no control over. You feel me?
Case in point, all the rioting going on. If you seriously believe this is the result of one black man's death and isn't orchestrated by evil forces wanting to take America down, then you haven't heard how prepared the rioters were in Dallas and how the people running it were directing people to pallets of bricks and brought pallets of water. Who has that kind of money and time to orchestrate a full on attack? And why would black people destroy their own neighborhoods, stores, small businesses?
It just doesn't make sense.
But nothing makes sense right now. The senseless death of George Floyd has been denounced by numerous good cops, but you won't hear that on the news because it doesn't fit the narrative. Did you hear that George worked at a nightclub with the cop who killed him? What does that say about pre-meditated murder? What does it say about why this cop should have been stopped by the others who stood around and watched?
It's why I like TikTok so much. You hear from people in uniform, whether it be a nurse, a doctor or a cop exactly how they're feeling, what is going on in their cities, their hospitals and wherever they are. And it helps put things into perspective because it's not biased, no agenda, just people sharing.
I used to only see dancing kids and that was soothing to me because they're so innocent and remind me of my youth, but now, I like hearing from adults around the country because the news doesn't accurately reflect the reality most people are facing. It's a sad truth when you can't trust your media to be objective, but this is where we are now. 80% of the media is liberal and as a result, you will really only hear that perspective despite the fact it is hurting people.
People are dying. People are losing their businesses. People are being flamed into fury and doing things they might never do normally.
And all for what?
A political agenda that will create more chaos, more poverty, more destruction? You look at any Democrat run state and they are in shambles. California - highest homelessness in the nation; New York - highest deaths in their retirement communities because Andrew Cuomo put 6,000 infected people into them knowing it would cause death for seniors. Why? Detroit - highest death rate of black on black murders even with gun control.
It's not guns people, we have a heart and mind issue in our country and that's why I pray and call upon God to save us because the government isn't the answer. I don't care who is in office. We have seen trouble building and now it's escalated into full out war and it's devastating.
Is this really who we want to be as a country? A nation? A society? A people? I know I sure don't want to have this be our normal existence. This isn't the America I grew up with or want to die experiencing.
It's why the scriptures I memorized as a child keep coming back to me now because they're the only way I find comfort and solace when everything is imploding around me.
And I mean everything.
I was going to list it all, but that was too overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like Biblical times and we're going through the ten plagues only ten times worse. I've never in my entire lifetime seen such chaos and such complete and utter failure of control and decency. It's like what else is coming? What else will it take before people realize they need God? We can't keep doing this without a moral compass people. We can't expect to resolve heart issues without first looking at ourselves and asking what about me? Where is my part in all this? What have I done, or not done to resolve this heart ache?
Because if you're really honest with yourself, you will see the heartache of every black person, every small business owner, every neighbor and every child who is crying out for help and what have you done to resolve it? Have you spoken up about injustice? Have you stood up against evil in our society to prevent it from getting stronger? Have you stopped racist remarks when you hear them among your friends? Have you ever considered why poor people are poor and bothered to help them?
Sometimes I feel like God has put me in the neighborhood and the situations I've been living in to humble my heart, to show me what it's really like to not have enough food, not enough gas, not enough...because I came from a white middle class privileged life and didn't understand it on a heart level. I went to church, I prayed, I cared, but I didn't really get it. I was mad when homeless people dug through my trash waking me up. I was closed off to those begging on the side of the freeway.
I just didn't want to get it.
However, when you live through what I've lived through all of a sudden you really begin to understand what breaks God's heart and look at people as people rather than statistics, or people to avoid. Fortunately, having lived in Africa as a child, I am more aware of what black people experience too.
I experienced reverse racism or what it feels like to be a minority as one of the few white people traveling through Burkina Faso after college. When you're the minority and nobody speaks your language and you have to rely on the kindness of strangers when your supposed friend turns on you and begins to treat you with anger and take out on you all the hurt and pain she experienced living in America, then you begin to realize the simmering rage that lies just below the surface and the pain that our collective racism causes black people.
Attending a black church for a few years, I began to understand the fear and underlying worry that black people experience every time they leave their home when every choir practice included a prayer for safety. I have been part of other white choirs and never once did we pray for safety. It wasn't even on the radar.
I've dated numerous black men and even have a son from one. We talked about politics, life and I know I brought one into circles he wouldn't normally enter without me. But I also know I will never date another black guy again. The last guy was just too abusive, too addicted, too mean and self-centered to ever make me look at a black guy with the same innocent eyes of someone who hasn't experienced abuse - sexual, mental and financial at the hands of someone you think you love.
Not to say white guys aren't capable of such things too, but it's just a personal choice not to be involved with anyone black again. I've had nothing but heartache from all the black guys I've dated and now I'm ready to meet a nice white guy. I want some semblance of a normal romantic life that isn't marred by what they experienced growing up and take out on me if that makes sense. I have enough baggage of my own to deal with than to take on someone else's too. I'm working on healing the wounds of my past and growing and changing. I need someone on the same path.
Well, that was sure personal, but since I am on the topic felt like clarifying. I actually don't feel like dating anyone of any other culture, any other race to be honest. I just want a guy who lives in the same environment as I do, experiences life like I do and enjoys the same things that I do. Is that too much to ask? Someone who has a faith in God and has the same moral compass. Someone who believes in the power of prayer and applies the Bible to living a better life built on faith, honesty, and love.
I know I'm not perfect. Never said I was.
In fact, lately under quarantine I've even begun to question why I keep doing certain things and why I constantly feel like I have to defend myself because it's exhausting to tell the truth. I also hate when I hurt people and don't mean to. It sometimes feels like I'm the feral cat in a corner lashing out even when people are trying to help. And I wonder what will tame this part of me. It's why I've begun joining a Bible Study to learn new ways of coping, communicating and loving. It's why I listen to so many sermons when I'm feeling especially hurt. It's why I pray that God will reveal in me what needs to be changed and help me to change.
It's not a fast process. It's not an easy process. But being aware of the issue, wanting to change and working towards it is the first step.
It's what I hope happens with each of you reading this, and our society too. We can't keep pointing fingers at everyone saying You have to change. You're the problem. It's all your fault. Because there are three fingers pointing back at you like the child's adage says.
What are YOU doing that needs correction? What are YOU saying that needs to stop? What are YOU doing in relationships with men, women, minorities, or others who aren't you that needs to change? What are YOU doing to make that change?
I really liked this guy's perspective which is why I'm going to share it here now because I don't think anything we humans do are capable of making the heart changes that only God can do. We just aren't wise enough, strong enough, or determined enough to change without relying on a higher power. It's why AA and all the other 12 step programs lead us to God. We have to first admit we're powerless over whatever is holding us back - sex addiction, porn, racism, greed, hate, alcohol, drugs, whatever wound we're covering up through whatever addiction we have. We have to admit we're powerless over it.
Watch this short video to hear the promise God makes if we do.
Just had a wonderful call with a former roommate who is black and we love each other dearly. I can be honest with her and she with me on topics normally not discussed with other friends. We cried, we laughed, we commiserated, and we prayed because that's what helps us get through our pain, our situations and our lives.
I hope you have someone you can be this honest with and share your life with. It makes all the difference in the world. I think I've blogged enough. I feel better and my tears are under control again. My heart breaks for those who have experienced the destruction of their businesses, their homes and their lives. But I can't keep crying or grieving. I have to live my life and pull it together for me. When I do, then I can help others more.
Right now? Just trying to survive.
And with that, I bid you adieu. God bless. Remember God loves you and so do I. Turn to Jesus because He's your help in time of need and is waiting on you...
I just heard a young 12-year-old black man named Keedron Bryant sing I Just Want to Live and it broke me. I'm still crying as I write. I haven't blogged my heart in a long time because I don't like being vulnerable, or judged, or known so much any more, but this happening and hearing the plaintive cry for help is too important not to voice. Click the link to read about the effects this has on African Americans, even more so than the rest of society as discussed in this USA Today article:
I'll admit, I was numb after all the school shootings happened and closed down. It was easier to ignore it, than to feel it because when I feel things, it hits me to my core and there's only so much crying one can do over people you don't know when you don't see your government or society changing.
No matter how many kids die, no matter how many impassioned pleas from people hurt or damaged by guns, and no matter who is in office.
It just stays the same and the sad situation repeats over and over and over again. The one positive is that the media appears to finally stop glorifying the killers and is focused on remembering the victims which is a huge change.
However, it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. Or how much this still needs to change.
I tried to be logical when I heard about this most recent black man who was killed by a police officer (I don't even have to name this incident, your mind can automatically fill in the blank with any number of incidents this happens so often.) And then the looters take over and it's easy to condemn them and sit in judgement that they're only making their societal problem worse.
However, when I heard this artist share this young man's song, it pierced my heart. It's why I want to share it with you now too:
I wish it opened up into a full video, but my blog doesn't allow it. I hope you will take the time to watch though. It's powerful. And needed right now.
Now here's Keedron Bryant singing which caused the artist in the above Instagram post to set it to music and what so many people feel right now.
It broke me.
"The song by the young singer from Jacksonville, Florida, comes as protests erupted in multiple cities over the death of Floyd, a 46-year-old black man who died at the hospital after a white police officer was seen on camera kneeling on his neck for 8 minutes as he pleaded that he couldn't breathe," as reported in Today's coverage. You can read in full here:
Keedron's song has the quality of a plaintive soulful gospel cry of young black slave and made me wonder why this young 12-year-old boy should grow up still feeling this way after all this time. Why doesn't racism ever change? Why does police brutality and racist calls keep happening? It's so heartbreaking.The song that immediately came to my mind after hearing his song was this song by Hillsong called Break my heart For what breaks Yours.
I hope you'll listen to as you continue reading.
I'm still crying because my heart aches over what is happening to black people in America. I can only pray my mixed-race son never experiences what some blacks have had to at the hands of racist women like Amy or crooked cops. My heart also goes out to cops who are good men and women trying to keep us safe and will get lumped in with all the bad ones.
ERNIE & JOE
I was fortunate to attend a screening of my now friend Ernie's doc called Ernie and Joe: Crisis Cops which you can view for free here on YouTube until May 31, 2020. I hope you do because these two men have put their life into creating more humane, more socially aware, more compassionate and more understanding police through their innovative program that is getting implemented widely. I hope more police captains view this and implement this training too. Ernie and Joe really care about the people they serve and it shows. I hope you watch this and know not all cops are bad.
I remember when I sang in a gospel choir over at Faithful Central and was the only white person in the choir, I couldn't understand why there were so many prayers for people's safety. I was also astonished nobody had sheet music and just learned the music by emulating the choir director who was extremely talented.
The highlight of that experience was performing one Easter Sunday in front of 30,000 people, again, as the only white person in the entire choir and trying to sing and dance at the same time. Still haven't mastered that, but it was glorious to be part of something so inspiring and special. They had live donkeys, people waving palm branches parade down the aisle and numerous other live animals to recreate the experience of Easter. I have a video of it somewhere a friend shot for me.
I started attending Faithful Central after I placed my son in an open adoption because I wanted to be close to him and wasn't ready to let go and dissolve back into white society where blacks aren't considered often. I wanted my son to know I didn't place him in adoption because of his skin color, but because I knew I wasn't able to be a single mom. I also wanted him to have a solid two parent family I experienced growing up. I also wanted him to have an understanding of his culture I knew, as a single white woman, I wouldn't be able to give him.
His adoptive father is African American and his mom is a petite blonde. And what's odd is I had a vision of them even before I found them. I'm very grateful to that family and proud of my son. That whole story is a miracle, but it's for another time.
However, it's why my heart is breaking right now. It's like a no-win situation.
I think today was when the dam finally broke of everything I've been holding in since being forced into isolation. It's like the gut wrenching cry I've needed to cleanse my soul and to realize we're all grieving something. The loss of innocence. The loss of freedom. The loss of safety. The loss of life.
A few Sundays ago, as I was driving home on my street I saw a young Hispanic man stumbling down the street barely able to hold himself up as he clung to the neighbor's fences and stumbled down the street. As he came close to my corner, I yelled to him, Are you ok? He was happy I cared and came over to me begging me to take him home because some black people had beat him up and he was bleeding.
He was also royally drunk and due to the corona virus and concerns for my own safety, I just couldn't do it as a single white woman living in Hawthorne. I called for help and the paramedics came and took him away to the hospital to have stitches on his eye and the top of his head. My landlady warned me to be careful because she has lived her for a long time and knows not to interfere, but as a Christian and as a white person with "privilege" I felt obligated to help him.
Was that wrong? Was that unsafe? I don't know, but what I do know is what has been happening ever since.
Recently, my car had a t-shirt found caught up in the interior body that I know I didn't run over and the damage has cost me $800 to repair. I've also had a motorcyclist follow me when I drove up to Ojai to clear my mind, two cars show up outside my home and wait until I got inside watching me as recently as last night. I hear sounds of loud booming radios of cars driving down the small alley behind my home when I'm working late at night. Then immediately following, I hear sirens wailing as they chase someone right outside the front of my home.
The other night I came home and there was a black homeless woman with one shoe on, one shoe off trying to balance a cart behind her on her small road bike as she sat precariously in the middle of the street, unknowingly blocking my driveway. I asked her if she had a place to go and she said no, so I referred her to a place I knew of that takes women in, but she said she couldn't abide by the curfew which helped me realize I couldn't really offer her any solace at my place either because she wasn't really in her right mind after speaking a little longer. She was grateful I cared as she told me and rode off. My heart went out to her, but since I haven't received either my PUA, stimulus check or any other form of assistance, I really don't have anything to give her money-wise.
It's getting crazier and crazier. I think that's why the looters are going so crazy. They don't know how else to express themselves, but the damage they're doing not only to their neighborhoods and innocent people only makes it worse in the long run. Why can't people see that? Why can't we "fundamentally change" to quote Obama, how our society handles racism? Why can't we love each other as we are called to by God?
"When we’re under stress or tension, we tend to be less tolerant of people’s differences. We’re more likely to fall into the temptation to be self-centered and prejudiced. In this message, Pastor Rick Warren points to four biblical reasons that God hates prejudice and the solution for rooting out the prejudice in your own life."
This is why rather than "cling to my gun" as one politician was known to say, I cling to God. He is my protector, my shield, my ever present hope in a time of trouble. I can walk in faith that God will take care of me. And he can change our country if we pray to Him and expect Him to. People are hurting financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually right now for so many reasons and I believe our government isn't ever going to save us. I just don't. If anything, it's caused some of the issues we have today (both sides of the political landscape.)
It's why I turn to God and his scripture for solace. Read this in James 4 NIV and maybe you will agree...
Submit Yourselves to God
4 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4 You adulterous people,[a] don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us[b]?6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”[c]
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister[d] or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
I feel like I've written my heart out and I'm wrung dry. I've also finally stopped crying even though my heart continues to ache for what has happened. And I completely agree with Christian Cooper who I quote from NBC News in part here:
"Christian Cooper, the black man who recorded a white woman calling police on him after he asked her to put her dog on a leash in New York City's Central Park, says he would rather talk about the bigger issue of racism at hand than continue to focus on Amy Cooper.
'It’s not really about her and her poor judgment in a snap second,' Cooper said on ABC's "The View" Thursday. 'It’s about the underlying current of racism and racist perception that has been going on for centuries and that permeates the city and this county that she tapped into, and so that’s what we really have to address.'
Christian Cooper and his sister Melody Cooper speak during an interview on "The View" on ABC on May 28, 2020.The View / ABC
'There's no excusing that it was a racist act, but does that define her entire life? Only she can tell us by what she does going forward and what she did in the past.'
He added that reports of Amy Cooper getting death threats is 'abhorrent.'" You can read the article in full here:
"'This kind of racism can kill people. It could have killed my brother,' Christian's sister, Melody Cooper, said."
AND THIS IS WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE. And what I'm praying will happen.
That's all. I hope you stop and consider your role in our society and how you can make a difference because if each of us made one small change for the better we could begin changing society and hopefully stop this from happening again. That is my prayer.
