My Daddy Warned Me It Would Be Like This In The South, or Father Knows Best...

By Joy A. Kennelly

I have been apondering this for awhile now (like that apondering? They don't really speak like this back here, but I think it's funny.)

In any case, remember how excited and happy I was about the fact men actually ask you out back here in Georgia, unlike California? Well, it's become a little more tempered the longer I live here. I got off a few of the online dating sites I was on because one of my first dates with a guy who had wanted to meet me even before I moved out here was a complete bust.

He rarely looked me in the eyes, preferring my chest instead, and was mad I hadn't read his entire four page (I exagerrate, but it was super long) profile before meeting him to avoid having to actually communicate. Yes, it's true. Computer head guys are clueless about communication and this only proves my point. Perhaps not all, but a lot I have met are very clueless.

This guy not only wanted me to read his entire profile, but memorize his likes and dislikes, his interests, etc. He had claimed to enjoy outdoor activities, but in person said due to the oppressive heat he was more of a home body and by the way, the reason I'm texting during our time together is because I have two twin 17 year old daughters. Don't remember reading that in all the other minutia of his life. Would have liked to know that fact ahead of time...

I mentioned how my Dad had warned me that men who say they are Christians out here live a more culturally Christian life than ones back in CA. My Dad said, at least in CA if a man goes to church it's because he has a real conviction and relationship with God, whereas many men out here in the South go to church because everyone else is going.

This guy acted all upset over my saying that which should have been a precursor of what was to come. We said good night and of course, he said he would call. Since he was EXTREMELY boring and arrogant, I didn't care and let it go. 

Being new to cyber dating, I thought I would be polite and tell him via an email I wasn't interested, but enjoyed meeting him and wished him well. He responded very nastily and it spiraled downward from there as he proceeded to text me incessantly calling me all sorts of names (even the "C" word) which I've never been called in my life and all this, while he claimed to attend Andy Stanley's Buckhead Church weekly.

That was a little jarring and I did report him, but of course, Plenty of Fish did nothing. I went off it for awhile, but when I went back on a little later, he was still there, ready to attack the next woman and I got off it completely.

Good thing too, because one of my good guy friends warned me he had heard many married men used Plenty of Fish to have affairs. This seems to be a common theme with singles dating sites out here which is rather shocking to be honest, although I don't doubt it goes on in Los Angeles, but it's so blatant here!

I joined OK Cupid thinking maybe their claim to have more intellectual men would mean a higher quality of guy, but again, you get what you pay for and since this site is free too... The other thing I find odd and a little creepy about this particular site is there are really personally invasive questions asked and then your answers are posted for the world to see.

It's obviously a more liberal leaning site and some of the questions like my stance on homosexuality, politics, and other personal topics not normally discussed in a first date situation, are asked in a variety of ways over and over again. 

Having worked in technology and marketing for as long as I have I wrote the owners to ask why they were pursuing this line of questioning because it seemed like one big intensive focus group for a political end. Never heard back. Didn't hear back either when I asked them why they also allowed married men to seek affairs on a singles dating site.

Apparently, some men hold no honor for their marriages back here despite it being the Bible Belt and all. I was approached by a very handsome, intellectual guy I would have easily dated, but once I realized he was married, asked him why he was on there to which he replied he was just interested in talking. 

Yeah right dude. I wrote him back and said he needed to spend more time talking to his wife and stop trying to have an emotional affair with women on this site. Use Facebook if you want to just "talk", but going on a singles dating site to talk? Liar.

Another guy posted he was married which I wrote him and said Congratulations for finding someone on here to which he replied, Oh, I'm married and my wife has a boyfriend so I'm on here to find someone too.

I was floored and asked him why he allowed his wife to disrespect him like that and what about the damage he was planning to cause anyone who would be stupid to get involved with him? He thought it was ok since he was being upfront about his intentions. Selfish jerk.

I wrote the owners to complain about this and tell them how disgusted I was that this type of action was allowed. Needless to say, got off that site too. When I told my friends on Facebook one of my girlfriends called it "Stupid Cupid" which I agree with. 

Seriously! I know I come from CA and it's very liberal there, but I don't ever remember married men actively and openly seeking affairs or it being so prevalent, or blatant back home. Maybe because Angelenos put off getting married for so long there aren't that many married men to begin with and when they actually marry, they are ready and willing to make the life commitment and honor their vows.

I haven't figured it out yet, but I do know I have met more divorced single parents of very young children here in the South which breaks my heart because it's only fracturing our society more. It makes me wonder what people are being taught about marriage in the South that they don't consider their vows a sacred commitment they made before God and family and friends. Why aren't they seeking pre-marital counseling before? Or marriage counseling during? Why are they rushing into marriages and out of them just as quickly?

I don't get it. However, I've never married so I wouldn't understand I'm sure. I did read a very good couple of articles on marriage and divorce from Second Ponce De Leon Church lately though which you can also read here: http://www.spdl.org/marriagehelp.php

I especially liked the description of a healthy relationship which you can read here courtesy of Associate Pastor Charles Qualls, an author and conference leader in marriage enrichment. He actively works with a variety of pre-marital, married, and divorced relationships. You can reach Pastor Charles by e-mailingcqualls (at) spdl (dot) org: 

"Hallmarks of a Healthy Relationship   Well, no doubt you want to hear some good news.  You’re clear of the scary stuff listed above?  Well, look for these among some factors that might indicate a healthy place for YOU to be YOU:  Does your partner help you feel free to be you?  Does your relationship empower you rather than hold you back?  Do you and your partner communicate regularly, deeply and constructively?   Does your relationship leave you both room to express your talents and personal callings in life?  As challenges arrive, do you feel safe in expressing them toyour partner?  Can you ask your partner for help?  Do you and your partner have healthy, balanced relationalexpectations that you have negotiated and shared?  Does your partner, by being who they are, challenge you in some way to be a better person?"

Pretty good questions, eh? Makes you think. In fact all his articles are really thought-provoking and I hope you take the time to click the link above to read too! Pastor Andy Stanley has a great series on Love, Sex and Dating which you can see here too: 

http://www.northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating

I really am questioning morality a lot living back here to be honest. I thought moving from a state where 18% of the population are Christians to a state where 38% are Christians it would be safer and more honorable.

At least in CA I knew most people are heathens and not living according to God's standards, only their own, and I was prepared and had my guard up all the time. I never expected anyone to have faith in God and was rarely disappointed. When I met someone who was honorable, it was a pleasant surprise. I have so many good Christian male friends from growing up in the church I kinda thought that's what guys would be like in general on either coast.

However, living out here, I find I am constantly shocked at the immorality all around me. It's like there's this veneer of false Christianity you must constantly pierce through to get to the real person and what they really think about God and their faith.

Just the other day I was informed that our Fusion Singles Groups I have been so happy about participating in are often places where men go simply to seek women they can sleep with (and do!) One guy told my girlfriend he knows someone who will take a girl out, sleep with her Saturday night and then take her to church in the morning as if that's the way he's going to witness to her and bring her to a relationship with God.

I get sick to my stomach just writing this. This isn't what God had in mind for singles, or Christians at all! I have to wonder if the mega church Andy Stanley has created is so intent on not offending anyone and reaching the lost there is now a whole generation of new believers who have never moved to the next level of their faith because they're not challenged to do so.

However, I also remember he created this series on The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating which gives me hope: http://www.northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating Plus, it's up to the individual to make the right decisions, a pastor can't control behavior, only guide it.

Yes, it's wonderful if you realize you're a sinner and you need God to save you. Yes, it's great that you're going to church and learning how to become a better person, but if that's all you're doing, then that's not enough.

The Bible is supposed to be our guide, our standard by which we live our life, our inspiration. We are called to live differently and to love one another as Christ loved the church. Not use each other and do exactly what the world is doing in the singles/married scene. There are black and white consequences to how we live our lives as believers.

No wonder people don't want to become Christinas. They see the hypocrisy of the people they know and ask themselves why do I need that? However, I always encourage people to read the Bible and hear what God/Jesus has to say about life and love because He is the author and perfector of our faith.

Humans are always going to be human and fail. It's just what we do. But we can encourage and hold each other to a higher standard and point out things that are wrong in an effort to shed light on something people are trying to ignore.

I must go, but this has been on my heart for a very long time. I have met some really great guys out here too, don't get me wrong, but this immorality all around me with people who are married, or claiming to be Christian, weighs heavy and I felt like it needed to be discussed.

Love to hear your thoughts too.