Relationships & the 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life again
October 05, 2007
Just got off the phone with a woman I highly respect who gave me some insight into a relationship that deeply saddens me over the way it is currently and has been for many years despite every effort I've made to heal it.
She shared that sometimes it's just not the right time for that relationship to be reconciled and we just need to let it go and move on. What I found so interesting is that her advice directly correlated with what I had just reviewed in Dr. Henry Cloud's book, 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life this morning.
This was my third time reading it because I want the principles of this book to sink into my life and make me a better person. I highlighted all the areas I really liked and this time just reviewed those which made it a quick read.
Here's the 9 principles with some quoted excerpts from my favorite chapters in case you haven't read it yet:
1. Dig it up
"No matter what a person is trying to accomplish, if he is walking around with unresolved matters of the heart, his goals will be negatively affected. And secondly, the wise deja vu person knows that every time he faces one of those sicknesses in the heart, something better and larger emerges. Either new solutions are found in facing and solving problems, or new aspects of the soul are discovered. When we face our demons and our pain, we "reclaim the land" of our hearts and souls. You come through the suffering being better than who you were when you went it. You get back what had been taken and find extra character to boot. These wise people understand all that, and they enter in the process willingly."
2. Pull the tooth
"Successful people do not hang on to bad stuff for long. They do not allow negative things to take up space in their lives, draining them of energy and resources. They finish off problems and do not allow them to remain. They get rid of negative energy. There is certainly much thought, time, and process put into how to handle a negative situation lovingly and wisely, but there is little question as to whether or not it is going to be handled. [Y]our success in relationship and in life is going to be limited or enhanced by how well you exercise these two skills: 1. Your ability to confront and resolve negative things quickly, directly, lovingly, thoroughly, and effectively. 2. Your ability to let go and leave behind the things that are not resolvable. Proverbs 22:3:
3 A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
3. Play the movie
"Any one thing you do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, you have to play it out all the way to the end of the movie."
4. Do something
"What can I do to make this situation better? ... To psychologists, philosophers, and theologians, who is at fault, is not the big issue. That is a legal question. What is an issue is being responsible in terms of ownership. To own my life means that it is mine and no other person's. I can blame no one for what I do with it. I can blame them for what they do to me, but I cannot blame them for what I do with what they do to me. I am responsible for how I respond....To the degree that we allow life just to happen and are not active forces to change whatever situation we find ourselves in, we are not living up to our true humanity by reflecting God's nature."
5. Act like an ant
"They achieved their goals by taking tiny steps over time."
Proverbs 6:6-8:
6 Go to the ant, you sluggard;
consider its ways and be wise!
7 It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler,
8 yet it stores its provisions in summer
and gathers its food at harvest.
"All success is built and sustained just like a building is built, one brick at a time."
6. Hate well (this chapter and principle spoke the most to me.)
"In reality though, hate is one of the most important aspects of being human. It is one of the most crucial ingredients of a good person's character. What we hate says a lot about who we are, what we value, what we care about. And how we hate says much about how we will succeed in love and life.... Basically, we are defined in part by what we love and what we hate. What we love says what we will invest in, go for, move towards, give time and resources to, and orient ourselves toward with the best parts of who we are. You can tell a lot about people by what they love....Likewise, we can know a lot about people by what they hate....Successful people move against the problem, and show love and respect to the person at the same time....Deja vu people tend to have immune responses to things that are truly infections, poisons, toxins and dangers....Deja vu people tend to address the real toxins of life in specific, effective ways that face the issues and respect the persons involved."
Proverbs 6:16-19:
16 There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19 a false witness who pours out lies
and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
Psalm 101:3-7:
3 I will set before my eyes
no vile thing.
The deeds of faithless men I hate;
they will not cling to me.
4 Men of perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will have nothing to do with evil.
5 Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret,
him will I put to silence;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart,
him will I not endure.
6 My eyes will be on the faithful in the land,
that they may dwell with me;
he whose walk is blameless
will minister to me.
7 No one who practices deceit
will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely
will stand in my presence.
"'Whenever I see destructive behavior, I am going to leave that scene. I won't trust people who are betrayers so I won't be walking around with a lot of hurt. I will stay away from people who twist good things such as love or sex and use them in some impure way. I won't play that game. I don't want to be close to those who are slanderers and put others down. And those arrogant types who think they are so superior and try to put me down can just stay away. I want to be around good people with good hearts and spend my time with them. I want to receive what they have to offer. I won't be around liars and people who are not into truth.'"
"When you apply objective things like time, space, understanding, specific events, specific emotions, and specific places to the origins of your hate, you begin to put them in their proper place. Realize that your hurt comes from a different time in the past and let the span between then and now help you get a new perspective on it. Understand what the hurtful incident meant for you then, and what is has come to mean for you today. Think about what new understanding you can bring to those same kinds of events today that can reduce their power in your life. Work through the feelings and emotions of it all with a trusted person or group. When you trace the origins of your feelings to objective people or events, you can begin to understand them and sort them according to their value.
You must take from those experiences the things that you want to learn and make part of you, such as what kinds of people are untrustworthy and should be avoided, or specific skills that would make you stronger now and not susceptible to the same kind of injury again. Above all, seek healing and understanding for the parts of you that have been injured."
7. Don't play fair (This chapter was another favorite. Lots of good stuff in it! Too much to put here, but these scriptures really speak to it - these were provided in the book.)
Luke 6:32-35:
32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
Romans 12:17-18:
17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:21:
21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
"GIVE BACK BETTER THAN YOU ARE GIVEN"
Proverbs 24:17-18:
17 Do not gloat when your enemy falls;
when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice,
18 or the LORD will see and disapprove
and turn his wrath away from him.
8. Be humble
"Humility is not having a need to be more than you are."
"Identifying with other normal humans who fail leads to a number of success patterns, as we shall continue to see. The first two of these are huge factors in achieving success:
1. Successful people show kindness, understanding, and help to others who fail.
2. Successful people are not derailed by their own failures; they accept them as a normal part of the process.
People who win in life do not condemn themselves for failure; they accept it. They learn from it. Failure motivates them to do better. They do not beat themselves up for it, and they don not begin to believe that they cannot accomplish something just because they failed. Because they are humble and identify with the human race that makes mistakes and fails, they see failure as normal. They expect it to come, so they are not surprised when it does. They use it and do not feel disqualified because of it. It is a paradox of monumental proportions.
Regarding their imperfections, these people do at least two things very well that build success, foster good relationships, and encourage learning, growth and wisdom:
1. They admit it quickly when they are wrong.
2. They receive correction and confrontation from others well.
Proverbs 9:7:
7 "Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult;
whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.
Proverbs 15:12:
12 A mocker resents correction;
he will not consult the wise."
9. Upset the right people
"Deja Vu people do not make decisions based on the fear of other people's reactions. What you should do, and what someone's response is going to be, are two very different issues."
Proverbs 19:19:
19 A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty;
if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.
That is the thing to remember about trying to appease controlling and angry people. If you let their anger decide your course of action for you - whether to give or not to give - then you have just trained them in how to get what they want out of you. You have set yourself up for the same experience again.
In addition, do you really want to give to someone who is only going to hate you? What kind of relationship is that? What kind of love is that? True love would accept your choice and respect your having to say no.
If you are resetting your course based on the fact that someone might get angry with you, you have chosen a flimsy foundation upon which to make a decision. You have lost control of yourself, and that is not what successful people do. They are not held hostage by anger.
They go against the odds if the odds are against what is right. They are willing to be the odd one, risking loss of approval in order to do the right thing. They understand that the approval of others does not go very far in making one truly fulfilled. It may be nice for a moment but getting up every day and doing what you believe in is much more lasting."
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