Pure, Unadulterated Joy

What I'm thinking about lately - #NoRegrets

By Joy A. Kennelly

I don't really know what I want to write today, except that I need to say something. I went to Kelp Journal's book launch last night at the Hermosa Beach Museum and listening to everyone read excerpts from their stories inspired me to share.

I recently lost my favorite Aunt, the last remaining relative of my little Mom, and I have felt numb. I keep waiting for the tears and sobs I experienced when my Uncle died a few years earlier, but think because his death was sudden, whereas she was in hospice and expected to die any day, perhaps I grieved earlier? I can't tell, but I wish the heaviness in my chest would go away.

I finally finished watching the final season of Ted Lasso, and watching "Ted" struggle to stay in Europe away from his young son and all the emotions that raised for him was how I felt living in TX knowing my Dad needed me. I also loved all the other subplots with various characters, but none more than "Rebecca" because I desire to love and be loved like her too. And watching the regret of the "Wonder Kid" as he turned his back on his "football" family and endured his Dad's critical nature, made me desire to have a loving community that would stand by me too, as the Captain did for Hughes and Rebecca did for the crazy publicist, Keeley. 

Here's a compilation someone made of what they felt were the best parts of the show, but to me the entire show was stellar Jason Sudeikis.   

Grief is so weird.

I know when I was living in Alpine, TX and my friend's husband had a stroke, I just cried and cried when I found out because I had a feeling he wouldn't recover. We were 3 hours from the closest major hospital and it seemed inevitable although we all held out hope and prayers. I visited him in the hospital where his wife held vigil and told him I loved him, encouraged my friend and sat until I couldn't sit still any longer.

The loss of a loved one is never easy. And the older I become, the less easier it is as more and more loved ones pass. When I lived here in CA 2021 or was it 2022? I can't remember, but I do know 6 family and close friends died within 6 months and I couldn't handle thinking if I stayed living with my Dad, I would one day wake up to see him dead too.

My Dad understood and along with my friend, Bobby, helped packed up my car to allow me to go live in Florida and escape. My Dad continues to surprise us and recently celebrated his 92nd birthday early September. It's a miracle and testimony to his strength of will because many of his circle of Over the Hill gang buddies have passed away recently.

One man died a week after moving into an assisted living place which may be one reason my Dad doesn't want to move into one. Another had a bad fall and soon passed away not long after. Both men were long-time family friends whose children I had attended school with and it was a sad day when we heard.

I have to wonder how losing all my Dad's friends is affecting his mental health because there has to be a toll, even though he would never talk about it. I remember when my little Mom died and he and I were writing thank you notes to everyone who came to her memorial how precious that time was together. We would think of what he wanted to say to express his appreciation for their support and it was one of the most loving, vulnerable times I've ever shared with my Dad. 

Although I've written in the past about some of the trauma I've experienced with him growing up, more and more, the older I become, I remember all the good times too that made my childhood so special and unique.

Like when he turned our Christmas presents into animals like an elephant or rabbit. Or Sunday afternoons when Mom served us Sunday dinner after church and we would be "forced" to listen to classical music to gain an appreciation for the arts. Or while living in Reno, NV we all rode our bikes to hear live music in the park and would eat watermelon while we listened. Or my favorite memory, when we were traveling cross country, Dad would buy a gallon of ice cream and a huge bottle of root beer and we would have root beer floats as lunch. That was always the best.

He never would let me become a cheerleader or wear Ditto pants because he never wanted us to be sexualized like so many young women were. I didn't attend my prom, didn't wear shorts to school because it wasn't respectful, and went to church 5 times a week, Sunday 3 times, Wednesday Bible Study, Friday youth group. I'll never forget how liberating it felt when I went to Bible College after high school to skip services.

Ironically, attending Montana Wilderness Bible College (now known by another name) in the wilderness outside Augusta, MT, it was the first time I tried a glass of wine, saw my first R-rated movie, got to wear whatever I wanted because other students thought Californians were crazy anyway, and hiked a mountain by myself. It was also my first school-wide food fight in the school cafeteria, first nickname, first of many crushes on the guys there too, first time pranking the guys, first time being away from home, first time throwing a Good Bye MASH party where I was Hot Lips Hoolihan, and first time seeing that adultery could happen even in a Christian school.

I'm still friends with many of the friends I made during that one year and have stayed with almost all of them during various trips. I think when you're 18 or 19 years old, those friendships define who you are and leave an imprint on your life that many others do not. 

I remember returning from that year feeling changed, and hating all the concrete of CA because I couldn't see the beauty of the ocean after living amongst trees and hills. It's probably why I chose to attend another Christian school in the Pacific Northwest. I loved all the greenery, but I grew to dislike the rain.

That time, when I returned from school, all I could see was the sunshine and I wondered why anyone ever stayed inside when the glorious sun was always shining. 

Every time I've left CA, I've returned and seen something new that I appreciate. This time it's been the very temperate weather. After living in TX for 2 years, where it feels like you're walking into an open oven every time you open your door during the summer, even when we've had a heatwave here, it hasn't affected me and I've still loved CA weather. 

But I constantly ask myself, is CA really where I will end up? I still don't like the policies of Governor Newsom. I resent the increased crime and homelessness. And I hate how unaffordable everything is. I daydream about living overseas and wonder which country will I escape to next. Unless work comes through here in the USA first. I just don't know any more.

I watch Emily in Paris and eagerly soak in the TV version of Paris and Rome. Are these cities I will love with the same passion "Emily" does? Will I meet someone overseas like she does? Recently, one of my close friends has met the love of her life and it gives me hope that one day I too, will meet the partner I am to spend the rest of my life with.

 

But as I told the guy in the waiting room of my mechanic, how can I date anyone when my main priority is making sure my Dad is taken care of and until I know for a fact I'm not needed to do so, can I rest. And that constant state of fear and worry isn't healthy. I recently began taking a Magnesium supplement and finally am almost sleeping the entire night. I haven't felt this rested in ages. It's like the nooks and crannies of my body that were empty and making me feel fragile have been getting filled in so I feel almost fully human again.

I've also really enjoyed helping people find and buy their favorite cruises and vacations as a Travel Advisor again. I forgot how much I love sharing my knowledge and travel expertise to help people find the right hotels, restaurants, and things to do wherever they're going.

Happy to help you too! 

But it all feels temporary, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, or when my Dad will pass. I feel the time I have left with him I want to enjoy every moment that I can despite all the obstacles and issues my family and a friend of my fathers throws my way to prevent me doing so. It's why I returned to CA, but will it continue to be the reason I stay? I haven't decided.

All I know is, after listening to the life story of Mariner's Pastor Eric Geiger this morning, and the love and kindness his father expressed towards him after a disastrous summer purge like experience, it has made me emotional all day. To see a grown man choke up when sharing about his Dad's love for him, it made me think of my Aunt and my Dad. And my friends here who have loved and held me up during my life.

My Aunt was my confidante, my friend, my teacher, my role model, my cooking inspiration, and my ideal of what it meant to live a life of class and courage. Despite experiencing numerous heart attacks, strokes, the loss of her leg below her knee, she continued to live with grace and dignity and humor. Even when she couldn't speak, she would still manage to say, Whoo hooo, when she liked something someone said. She remained competitive too, winning costume jewelry at bingo.

I remember asking her once why she wore so much gold and diamond jewelry. She replied, it's my armor and gives me confidence. I've never been one to wear much jewelry and didn't understand it, but seeing her pile on the costume bracelets and necklaces later when she couldn't wear her real jewelry in the nursing home, I had to wonder if it was serving another purpose.

Each friend and family member I've lost has given me something special to remember them by. My friend Alex taught me the value of homeopathic medicine and how to be honest in male/female friendships. My friend John taught me how to be a better publicist and friend. My friend Evie taught me to keep moving forward and not let the turkeys get me down. My friend Suzy taught me how to live extravagantly and fully. My friend Dave taught me what it meant to be a loving father and husband as he lived into his 90's. My Uncle taught me the value of stability and choosing to live a life of focus. My Aunt taught me how to live courageously and positively.

I believe we truly don't appreciate the wisdom and love in our lives until we don't have those friends or family members around any more. That said, it's why I want to spend as much time with my Dad while he is living. I don't want to have any regrets that I didn't spend time with him, care for him or do right by him. I just don't.

That's why I'll continue pursuing every avenue I can to make his final days or months quality. I want him to know I loved him and was there for him. I want my conscience to be clean and to have peace when he passes that I did everything I could to make his life better when he couldn't do it for himself.

Like I tried to do for my Aunt. And all my other friends I've loved and lost. They have all touched my life in ways I will never forget. They made hard times easier and good times better. I sometimes wonder if I'll find new friends like them, but until then, I will keep on living the best way I can and loving on the friends I still have around me.

If you want to hear an amazing story of living with no regrets, I highly recommend taking a listen to the message Pastor Eric Geiger of Mariner's Church shared today. It will touch your heart and maybe even your soul if you let it.

https://www.marinerschurch.org/message/when-regret-is-overwhelming/

Thank you for reading. I feel better after sharing. I hope you have a great Sunday night. 

Back in the South Bay, CA and it feels good. #JoysTravelAdventures

By Joy A. Kennelly

Now that I'm back in the South Bay, I'm discovering new restaurants have popped up while I've been living in Texas these past two years. I'm obsessed with Tommy & Atticus bakery in Redondo Beach and apparently I'm not the only one. I loved the veggie sandwich I had the other day, but when I attempted to buy another at 1pm, they were sold out! Then, when I arrived at 11am the next day to make sure I got one, there was a long line! I think everyone else agrees this is a bakery you don't want to miss.

I bought one pastry and the meat sandwich for variety sake. The sandwich was so filling I had it for lunch and dinner. The bread is so yummy I can see why people stock up and are willing to spend $48 a pop on bread and other goodies here. 

In other news, I've recently launched a travel newsletter for Joy's Travel Adventures on Substack which you can subscribe to for travel information you may not hear about elsewhere. https://joystraveladventures.substack.com/

I plan to cover a domestic, international and Caribbean destination, a travel app and travel product highlights of my The Joy Writer Studio Etsy store in each issue. Here's the intro:  "I love introducing clients to all the latest travel recommendations and designing the perfect trip that's tailored to your interests and dreams. Contact me today! 512-820-0749 or my official travel agent website on Travel Leaders Network, one of the leading travel consortiums:  https://www.travelleaders.com/agent/349226 

Register for subsequent newsletters or refer back to the site here for updates if you're interested in staying in the know: https://joystraveladventures.substack.com/

I'm also participating in a Virgin Voyages webinar I wanted to invite you to join in too! Learn what it means to SET SAIL THE VIRGIN WAY with Virgin Voyages! Join me, along with members of the Virgin Voyages Sales Crew to hear about all the excitement and BRAND NEW ITINERARIES sailing out of New York, Miami and LA. (Or feel free to click through and book yourself as I receive a small commission. Either way, no cost to you!)

Monday, AUGUST 19  7PM - 7:30PM CST

PLEASE RSVP TO: Joyannatravel (at) gmail (dot) com asap if you want to attend the webinar. 

Lastly, when I lived in Austin, TX I used to cook for my apartment complex on a weekly basis. I have to wonder if there's people here who might enjoy a home-cooked meal at a reasonable price too? 

In any case, I really enjoyed it and miss cooking for people. I started this side hustle because I would cook up large meals and then shared it with my landlady who encouraged me to offer it to our community. It was great fun so maybe down the road I'll do it again. We'll see.

As I search for full-time and part-time work in digital marketing, copywriting and personal assisting work to supplement my income, I'm enjoying designing travel for clients, designing products for my Etsy store until I have more work demands. I'm interested in personal assistant work because I enjoy organizing people and managing administrative work. Know anyone looking? Send them my way!:) I'm very versatile and work well with entrepreneurs because I am one too.

 

Remembering Mandisa with sadness and acknowledging Kyle Marisa Roth's death

By Joy A. Kennelly

I'm listening to Mandisa for a little encouragement tonight after a 3-hour nap today. I don't know why I sleep so much here in Texas, but from what I've read my body has been in a constant state of fight or flight and now that I'm healing, my body is catching up on years of lack of rest. 

Kind of excited. My next therapy session is the actual EMDR treatment that is supposed to heal your trauma by connecting parts of your brain that have been cut off to prevent the healing in the first place. As I write this, this song has come on, We all Bleed the Same by Mandisa featuring Toby Mac, and Kirk Franklin.

I'm a little sad listening to this because I just learned Mandisa was found dead in her home this past week. She was such a bright light and her music has often gotten me through some really difficult times. Klove would play it and I would just blare it while living in Atlanta, GA the most recent time.

I first discovered Mandisa through her Overcomer song which Robin Roberts said got her through her cancer. Here's an excerpt from the Time article entitled, Gabby Giffords and Robin Roberts Star in Top Christian Music Video, by Elizabeth Dias.

"It is not often—if ever—that a former U.S. congresswoman and a Good Morning America host co-star in a Christian music video. Last week a new music video debuted from American Idol season five finalist Mandisa, and it features both Gabby Giffords and Robin Roberts. The music video for Mandisa’s hit song “Overcomer” includes never-before-seen footage of Giffords’ hospital recovery after she was shot in the head in 2011, and also documents Roberts’ journey overcoming breast cancer and myelodysplastic syndrome."

The Urban Music Scene dot com wrote this about this song in case you need some encouragement to watch it with me: "One of Gospel Music’s enlightening vocalists, Mandisa, is still on Billboard’s Christian Songs chart this week with the uplifting ballad, “Overcomer” – direct from Sparrow Records. The title track from the album, released in Aug 2013, has been picking up traction from the debut of a new official music video featuring special appearances from Robin Roberts, Gabby Giffords, and Olympic Gold medalist Scott Hamilton. Mandisa is an American Idol alumnus and a two-time Grammy nominee. The single is still #1 on Billboards Christian Songs chart after 17 weeks."

Mandisa Talks "Overcoming" struggles and more on Good Morning America 

Nice tribute by ABC here in case you don't know who she is. She was a beacon of hope for so many of us and was so honest and open about her mental health struggles.

Here's a more detailed interview that goes into her difficult past and how she overcame it, but also, how it affected her entire life. I also feel sad about a TikTok influencer, Kyle Marisa Roth, whom I used to follow for Hollywood gossip who recently died at 37 years old, soon after she exposed JLo and P Diddy. Who knows if what she was saying is true, but I enjoyed her sense of humor, kindness, and ability to deep dive into celebrity's secrets. She had colon cancer and when JLo shut down her main TikTok account, Marisa lost a large part of her income to help cover her medical treatments. I wonder if this fact has ever pierced the conscience of the narcissist JLo is. All I got to say is karma is a bitch because JLo is being canceled faster than the Rock and Oprah! I know Mandisa and Kyle are two extremely opposite people, but when they've been part of your life, however small, it does make you sad. Now, when Epstein died, not so much. But did you hear he may be living back on his island? I'll stop there. I'm in a better mood after honoring Mandisa and acknowledging Marisa. One loved God with all her heart and the other, celebrity culture and gossip.

TRAVEL + LEISURE HAS NAMED TODOS SANTOS BOUTIQUE HOTEL TO ITS 2024 IT LIST OF BEST NEW HOTELS

Received this pitch from a publicist and it sounded so amazing had to share it as she wrote it! Enjoy!

 

Set Within Baja California’s ‘Pueblo Magico’, Todos Santos Boutique Hotel, a Newly-Opened, 10-Key Property is named to the Travel + Leisure 2024 It List of Best New Hotels.

Todos Santos Boutique Hotel, a newly-opened, 10-key luxury property set within Baja Peninsula’s first “Pueblo Magico", has been named to Travel + Leisure's 2024 It List of Best New Hotels. The highly anticipated list features 100 new hotels worldwide, as Travel + Leisure’s editorial staff and contributors recommended.

 

Originally constructed as a heritage landmark in 1890, the boutique property has been restored to its former glory, carefully preserving its iconic historic charm, boasting a considered selection of drinking and dining options, helmed by Director of Culinary Projects Chef Gaz Hebert.

 

In particular, 1890 is an elevated dining experience blending global cuisine with local flavors, while the mixology-forward La Copa serves innovative cocktails alongside Baja-inspired snacks. The culinary team continues to innovate by offering guests and locals unique experiences with visiting chefs, including a dinner with Chef Flynn McGarry this past February and dinner with Chef Lucho Martinez on May 4.

 

Todos Santos Boutique Hotel is honored to be named one of the Best New Hotels in the World in the 19th annual Travel + Leisure’s 2024 It List. The highly anticipated list features 100 new hotels worldwide, as Travel + Leisure’s editorial staff and contributors recommended.

 

“We are thrilled to be acknowledged by Travel + Leisure for our inclusion in their esteemed 'It List',” says Krischa Batarse, a member of the ownership team. “This recognition is a testament to the dedication and unwavering commitment of our team towards crafting an unparalleled luxury experience. We are incredibly grateful to Travel + Leisure and our esteemed guests for their continuous support in our journey to redefine excellence in boutique hospitality."

 

Nestled within the hidden oasis of Mexico’s Baja Peninsula an hour north of Cabo, lies Todos Santos Boutique Hotel, a 10-key boutique hotel set within a masterfully renovated historic estate previously owned by a Spanish countess. Originally constructed as a heritage landmark in 1890, the boutique property has been restored to its former glory, preserving its iconic historic charm. 

 

A member of the Small Luxury Hotels of the World, the property’s mix of rooms and suites offers guests an intimate, ultra-luxurious escape, boasting lavish details, curated furniture, and bespoke artwork, each adorned with a unique hand-painted mural by celebrated artist Nef Espino, depicting Todos Santos’ storied past. 

 

The property boasts a considered selection of drinking and dining options, helmed by Director of Culinary Projects Chef Gaz Hebert. In particular, 1890, is an elevated dining experience blending global cuisine with local flavors. Meanwhile, the mixology-forward La Copa serves innovative cocktails alongside Baja-inspired snacks, both of which can also be found at the Pool Bar. For a more intimate affair, the expertly curated wine cellar, La Cava, is available for private events. The culinary team continues to innovate by offering guests and locals unique experiences with visiting chefs, including a dinner with Chef Flynn McGarry in February and an upcoming dinner with Chef Lucho Martinez on May 4.

 

Amenities abound, guests can enjoy a secluded heated pool, a rooftop terrace, and the serene communal spaces onsite. In addition, travelers have exclusive access to off-roading experiences through Todos Santos’ sheer cliffs with Rock Pirates Back Country Adventures and yacht charters through Ocean Line Yachts, offering both day and overnight charters.

 

For more information, visit www.hoteltodossantos.com and follow on social media @hoteltodossantos 

 

About Todos Santos Boutique Hotel

Located in the hidden oasis of Mexico’s Baja Peninsula’s first “Pueblo Magico,” lies the Todos Santos Boutique Hotel. A member of the Small Luxury Hotels of the World, the 10-key boutique hotel set within a masterfully renovated historic estate offers guests an exclusively intimate and ultra-luxurious escape punctuated by expert service and elevated amenities. The property blends modern style with traditional elegance while celebrating the area’s natural beauty.

 

Each of the 10 suites is uniquely designed featuring lavish details, curated furniture, and a hand-painted mural unique to each room telling the story of Baja, Mexico. Onsite, guests can enjoy a secluded heated pool, a rooftop terrace, an expertly curated wine cellar, and a selection of drinking and dining destinations. Culinary offerings include 1890, a decadent restaurant offering a menu of reimagined dishes from Baja with a global influence, and La Copa, an elevated bar offering tapas-style appetizers paired with imaginative cocktails.

 

Launching #TheJoyWriterStudio apparel line of #T-shirts, #Hoodies & #Sweatshirts and more

By Joy A. Kennelly

I wanted to introduce you to some of my latest designs on my new Etsy shop, The Joy Writer Studio. I have a degree in Fashion Merchandising, have worked retail for many years and it's been a natural transition into designing unisex T-shirts, Hoodies and Sweatshirts. 

I find inspiration through what I'm reading, what I find on Instagram from the many varied psychologists and fashion influencers I follow, from friends and personal connections, as well as, what I find funny. I hope you do too! 

My shop is broken down into a variety of themes: 1) Love Languages based loosely on the New York Times Best Selling book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman; 2) Embrace Your Inner Child and Loving Life  based on how I feel right now; 3) Travel because that's in my blood and what I've immersed myself in for many years; 4) Political Humor because I find this entire election season a joke; and 5) Texas/Western Inspired because I live in Austin now; and lastly, 5) Instragram Inspired because I find humor and inspiration everywhere. I've linked each section to the area in the shop you can find what you like and hope you'll check it out! 

Here's some of my latest designs for your viewing pleasure. I try to offer a variety of colors, and sizes up to 5XL as much as possible too. I'm working on more designs and will be launching an entire Western-themed shop down the road. I have to get this one where I want it first.:) 

I think some of the Loving Life designs would be perfect for Mother's Day. I also included some insider entertainment themes in the Love Languages section. Lastly, I tried to keep the political ones non-partisan to open it up to more people. I hope you will take a peek and find something you decide to make your own! 

Enjoy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/TheJoyWriterStudio

Be cautious when moving to Austin, TX due to negligent & fraudulent property management companies

By Joy A. Kennelly

I keep reading Yelp reviews and Google reviews and now listening to my friend relay his awful apartment issues, and experiencing my apartment hassles when I first moved down here, I've decided to share some resources I've been pursuing to allow more people to protect themselves and raise awareness to stop this.

The most important thing is to document everything. Keep emails, take pictures, and mark when you spoke to management on your calendar and what they said. This will help if/when you have to go to court.

It also helps when you file with the following agencies. There are a few free legal services in Austin, TX, but they're so inundated, that they can't help you in a timely fashion and sometimes don't cover what you're dealing with.

However, you can start with them and reach them here:  Tenant Legal Help: 512-474-1961 and TX Rio Grande Legal Aid: 512-374-2700, and Austin Alternative Dispute Resolution: 512-371-0033. Once you've explored these and/or started a case with them, then begin filing with these agencies to put the screws on the companies you're dealing with. 

STEPS TO FOLLOW

1. If you experience negative or illegal apartment issues and are getting nowhere with your property management company, the first formal step is to contact the Better Business Bureau and file a complaint. I've provided a direct link to the complaint form.

2. I also highly recommend you file a complaint with the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. I have found success with other issues with AAA and others in the past. And the great thing is, it's a federal agency and they don't mess around. Again, the link is directly to the complaint form.

3. I also recommend filing a complaint with the Texas Real Estate Commission because they're supposed to oversee this and haven't done a very good job regulating this which is why it's so out of control with so many properties. Make sure you get the company's license with them because then they will realize you're smart and they can't play games with you. Include that in your complaint and all the other documentation you've been keeping - do this for every complaint you file. 

4. Once you've filed these, then apply to the Texas Attorney General and include your complaints with other agencies because they will follow up directly with them to make sure something is happening. At least that's been my experience. They can't fight an individual case, but what they look out for are patterns across many issues and if they feel there's probable cause to win, they will pursue it on behalf of the state of TX against an entity. 

From what I've seen, Paxton usually wins and wins big. That's why I suggest filing with him too because then you're part of the building up of a case against an entity. The more that people take action and complain, the more resolution we will see as residents of Austin.

I have complained about issues to 311 and seen some responses, but it's frustrating because the police are understaffed, not supported due to the types of people in office and often have so many more pressing issues, that they can't take time to deal with other minor issues. 

I also suggest complaining to whomever your city council representative is. You can find that out here by entering your address and county: https://wrm.capitol.texas.gov/home

Lastly, perhaps consider starting a Neighborhood Watch among your neighbors if it's a crime you're concerned about. I've started it 3 times in various places I've lived and it's a great way to feel part of a community and know your neighbors. And it helps alert criminals you're not playing around. They mess with you, they're going to get caught, or in the case of TX, shot.:)

Also, when you sign up for a Neighborhood Watch, you will have a District Representative from the police department to assist you with issues. The District Representative Program was established in 1998 to create a liaison between neighborhood communities and the police department’s regional commands. Click the link to find out who you can reach out to for help starting one.

Last resort, begin contacting the local media as a news story if you're willing to go on camera because people don't like negative publicity, especially when it affects their bottom line. When I lived in LA and had a bad landlord who wouldn't fix a leaking ceiling in my first floor apartment, I contacted the LA Times who wrote a story with an image of me with buckets around and me holding an umbrella. Once a publicist, always a publicist.:)

I won't bore you with the details of what I'm still experiencing with an illegal property management firm here, but just know, I'm not the only one to have issues, and it's across the board here in Austin, TX which is why I feel it needs to be addressed. 

Now to begin pursuing the media to cover this. TTYL.

 

 

Thoughts on #TheArtist'sWay, #Trauma, #Brainspotting and #EMDR this President's Day

By Joy A. Kennelly

I've started doing The Artist's Way book by Julia Cameron again with an online group of 400 other people (which each week drops lower fortunately) and I have to say, after running these types of groups myself years back, this go-round I find more resistance to actually doing the reading and exercises than I ever did before.

Julia says that's a good thing because it means it will have a deeper impact on your creativity, but after two weeks of not wanting to take myself on an "artist date" I find I finally want to do it. Today, the Zilker Botanical Garden has free admission and since I've never been, I thought that would be a nice treat. The weather is brisk, but sunny and clear too. 

I'm still big on researching the brain and how trauma affects our lives. I listened to a Harvard expert discuss stress and trauma's effects on the brain on the Good Life Project Podcast which I enjoyed. You can listen too on Spotify here. Here's the episode blurb for reference.

"Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, author of The Five Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience, shares how to reframe our relationship with stress. She explains why feeling overwhelmed is a common human experience, not a personal failure. Simple, science-backed techniques like breathing, social connection, journaling, and eliminating multitasking can help our minds and bodies reset.

Dr. Nerurkar offers realistic ways to introduce ease into our days through small, sustainable steps. Learn how to "do better" so you can start to "feel better" and thrive."

I've been practicing some of the things she discussed and have seen my blood pressure slowly lower. It's still high, but I have reason to believe once I've addressed and healed all the trauma in my brain, it might go down too. 

Last week with my trained EMDR & Brain spotting Therapist, I learned that we have 3 parts to our brain, the frontal lobe, a middle section, and the cortex. When we have trauma, our frontal lobe where we have rational thinking, is short-circuited and prevented from acting properly because the trauma is blocking our middle brain from reaching the rational part of our brain.

(I'm putting this in very simple terms, but if you click the links I've provided above, those go into much more detail.)

People have 4 different responses to trauma which divides into 2 forces - Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. Fight or Flight is one type of response and Freeze or Fawn is another example of how people choose to deal with their trauma.

Fight reaction is where you blow up or react in a way that is highly exaggerated in comparison to the actual incident. One of my former therapists described it as reacting at a level 10 to an incident that people who aren't traumatized might react at a much lower level. The goal of therapy is to reduce the reaction to a more normal level.

Flight is commonly seen in leaving jobs, places you live, and other situations because you need to escape because you're emotionally unable or unaware of how to deal with stressful situations. It's something I've done a lot, moving from state to state and job to job because I haven't been aware of this being a reaction to stress and trauma.

Now that I'm aware, I can work on it. 

What I find interesting is observing how many other people live with trauma unaware of how it's affecting their lives because nobody has ever shared with them that these patterns are caused by trauma. What you don't know, you can't heal. 

I'm reading Miss Independent A Simple 12-Step Plan to Start Investing and Grow Your Own Wealth by Nicole Lapin and she had a very traumatic upbringing. As soon as she mentioned in the book that she had moved numerous times, I understood trauma was her life experience even before she shared a horrifying story from her childhood.

The book is really easy to read and I highly recommend it if you want to understand finances through a female perspective. (I'm not just saying this because I get credit if you buy her book or any of the books I'm mentioning too.:)

The other two reactions Fawn or Freeze I've never really experienced. Fawn would be telling someone nice things about them to get them to leave you alone. I watched this in a video of a girl trapped in an Uber with a creepy guy who wanted to date her. She kept telling him he was a nice guy and she was flattered, but she needed to get out now. That just made my skin crawl.

Freeze is pretty self-explanatory. If something bad is happening, you just freeze and are unable to say or do anything or leave because your body's response to this danger is to freeze.

I look back at my life and I can see so many times where I just ran away from situations in my home life. When I was very young like 10 years old or less, I was mad at my Mom and packed up a bag to run away leaving the house crying. I got to the end of the block of our home in Hermosa Beach before turning around and coming home. LOL

Another time, we were living in Kenya, Africa at a missionary boarding school while my Dad taught school back in the 80s and I decided to run away for some reason. I distinctly remember walking on the dirt road out of the compound and seeing huge black and white Colobus monkeys swinging from the trees as I walked. Here's what they look like because it's hard to describe. Aren't they amazing?

 I eventually returned home and ironically, when my African friends learned of my running way, they all thought I was shab, a slang term at the time for cool, or at least that's what I remember. LOL

As I grew older, I remember running away on holidays. My Dad would want the house to be perfect when my youngest sister would come to visit with her family and inevitably, he would take out his stress on me and demand I leave.

I still remember driving to Santa Barbara one Thanksgiving because I had asked if we could have something other than water at the dinner table for once. Real stupid stuff, but it would cause stress and my Dad's way to deal with it was to tell me to leave.

We've had a very complicated relationship my entire life and it's a miracle how far we've come. Not perfect now by any means, but much closer since my Mom died. You always love your parents even when it's not a good relationship because it's what you've grown up with and you don't know anything else. 

As I've grown and healed through therapy, the way I've dealt with situations and people has also grown and changed. Behaviors that I would normally put up with, I don't anymore. Gaslighting, negating my feelings, blaming, and other normal activities for a narcissist, just don't sit well and I've begun to narrow my circle more and more.

What I am beginning to realize and welcome living in Austin, TX is that sometimes God pulls you away from everything and everyone you've ever known so you learn about yourself and draw closer to God because He's all you have.

Boundaries become firmer on what you will or will not accept in a friendship or relationship. What used to be acceptable because it was familiar or comfortable, becomes uncomfortable and not acceptable. I recently told a "friend" that our "friendship" had run it's course after one last especially hurtful situation. I'm done pretending something feels good when it doesn't. 

I'm at the point in my life where I'd rather be all alone without friends or family than have toxicity in my life. I'm enjoying my peaceful life right now. I feel more creative than I have in years. And I feel that I'm focusing on what makes me happy, not what makes others happy. It's strange to be promoting my work vs my client's work, but it's also really exciting to hear positive responses and have supportive friends encourage me to keep going. 

When you are surrounded by noise, distractions, or political unrest that consumes your attention, it's hard to listen to your own still small voice whispering what you need, want, and desire. As the noise, distractions, and politics fade away, then the voice becomes louder and if you listen to it, ultimately, it replaces all the others.

I felt compelled to write after spending a few unsettling minutes on Twitter reading. I wanted to get back to my thoughts and back into my body. Writing does that for me. Other forms of self-expression might do it for you - baking, painting, sculpting, swimming, etc. 

All I know is, as the popular song on TikTok says, I think I like my little life.

Not much going on at the moment, but I feel that's going to change as I continue to pursue The Artist's Way course and reading. And pursue my therapy with brain spotting and EMDR.  I'll keep you posted.:)

Now to get ready to enjoy the botanical garden and explore Austin. 

Taking a deeper dive into trauma, relationships and how these inform each other

By Joy A. Kennelly

I will admit, perhaps I watch too many TikToks, Instagram reels and videos on Facebook and YouTube, so shoot me. Just realized I shouldn't say that now that I live in Texas! People might take me up on it. lol

I am an info addict and those feed my curiosity immensely. Little bits of knowledge and wisdom parsed out in quick bites is perfect for the way my mind processes things. Then, if I'm really curious, I'll dig a little deeper or go down the rabbit hole in that person's feed to see what else they say about a subject. 

Am I alone in this? Or are you a consumer of social media the way I am?

In any case, lately, I've been enjoying watching male comedians because for some reason a lot of female comedians come across as too shrill or bitter for me or too intent on bashing men, and I like men.

I learn a lot about the male psyche watching guys like Tom Segura, Joe Rogan, Bert the bear (can't spell or remember his last name.:), Gary Owen, Theo (whatever his last name is), Bobby and Andrew (I'm really bad with last names and too lazy to look them up so bear with me), John Crist, Ali Sidik (sp?:) and others whose names escape me because I haven't had coffee yet.

Why am I awake so early!? Did you know your brain is most plastic and open to new concepts right when you wake up? Learned that listening to a neuroscientist. I have to wonder if that's why as Christians, we're encouraged to read our Bible when we first wake up to make what we read stick more.

 And did you know if you don't turn your phone on right when you wake up and do other things like see the sun for 15 minutes first thing, you will reset your body clock to help break insomnia? I'm putting this in layman's terms, but I've heard it repeatedly by people who study human motivation and the brain. 

I think the way God made us as humans is fascinating. I recently learned of a book called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk and plan to read it. Here's an excerpt to explain why:

"A pioneering researcher transforms our understanding of trauma and offers a bold new paradigm for healing in this New York Times bestseller

Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust.

He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers new hope for reclaiming lives."

Doesn't that sound fascinating? I've included my affiliate link above if you want to buy it. (Sorry, this is a new way of blogging for me so excuse the crass money plugs, but why shouldn't I get compensated when I refer someone to something good?:)

In any case, listening to these comedians, they're extremely vulnerable in sharing their lives and I think that's why I'm so drawn to listening right now. Joe Rogan, not as much, but I like him because he's always sharing extremely obscure bits of information and then shows the video to back it up. I didn't use to like him because he swore so much, but lately, he's been more respectful, or else I'm immune now.

I hate when people use the F-word as a crutch in comedy. It's why I stopped watching Kevin Hart. I used to LOVE Kevin too, but after a while, the swearing is desensitizing and dehumanizing. I feel it demeans our society and reduces language to the lowest common denominator when there are so many more words in the English dictionary and the world of language in general.

My favorite from old times is hurly-burly. Dictionary Definitions from Oxford Languages hurl·y-burl·y /ˌhərlēˈbərlē/ noun busy, boisterous activity. "the hurly-burly of school life"

But I digress as my other favorite gay comedian, Greg, always says. He likes to share what his students say to him in drama class and it always cracks me up to hear what children think in this day and age. But sometimes all the bodily fluid jokes become too much.

Where was I? Oh yes, trauma in the body. I was fascinated to learn that there is so much trauma in the world among common folks. I always thought PTSD was confined to veterans, rape victims, and other victims of violence or horrible things, but the deeper I dive, the more I learn it really can affect all of us as explained above.

And I don't know about you, but I feel relieved to know that certain patterns of behavior like moving a lot, having lots of jobs, or on the flip side, being a workaholic, having difficulty with being emotionally trusting in relationships, not liking loud noises, and other things are a reflection of trauma.

I'm listening to a bird sing outside my window and it's so pleasant. I rarely hear them so let's all take a pause on trauma and enjoy the quiet moments in life that we experience when we wake up super early and live in a peaceful environment.

Doesn't that feel calming? Now do you see why I love living in Texas? I listened to my favorite original podcast recently, This American Life by Ira Glass, and his Russian producer was sharing the story of her mother coming to America as an immigrant and having difficulty adjusting to New York.

Listening to her share, I realized I'm going through something similar living here in Texas. It's a HUGE adjustment because everything is new. The way people interact interpersonally, the way the streets are set up, how people socialize, what there is to do here, and a very different way of life overall. 

What I find ironic is that it's been 6 months plus since I've been living in Austin, TX and there are times I hate it so much if I didn't have a lease that penalizes you $2,000 if you terminate it early, I would already have moved on. However, since I'm stuck because I don't feel like wasting that money, I'm going to attempt to stay in one place and make the best of it and dig in like my Texas friends encourage me to do.

Such a novel concept. 

I think trauma has affected society overall when I observe dating now that I'm open to it again. I see so many men liking my profile, and wanting to be friends, or more, then when you match, they don't reach out. And if they do, they are younger men who like older women for their sexual prowess, or they have a thing for voluptuous women because they think we're more accepting of them and that's why they reach out. But what I find most fascinating is when you provide your number, they hide behind texting. 

If I wanted a pen pal, I would find a child in a foreign country and sponsor them. LOL 

I'm at the stage of my life where I want a man to be a man and allow me to be in my feminine. Just pick up the phone, call, and see if you connect already!:)

I saw one of my TikTok faves, Scott D Henry, duet with a girl who was explaining why she didn't want to date a guy after her first date and I agreed with her. Scott was mocking her for wanting the guy to be the one to make plans, set a time, confirm, and then meet vs letting the girl make all the decisions on where to meet, the guy not making any reservations, and then just planning to wing it the day of by calling to confirm day of.

I think because so many women have been so easy to get into bed lately, men think they don't have to earn it anymore or put in any effort and I think that is also a reflection of trauma. 

When you're not raised to value yourself or trust yourself, when you're young, you feel giving yourself away quickly will cause a guy to fall in love with you, but it doesn't work like that ladies. And men, stop taking advantage of this and start respecting yourself too. Sure you can sleep with tons of women, but is it fulfilling? Is this really how you want to spend your life? Or do you want to be loved and love back? Think about it.

Relationships are worth it. 

Men fall in love with women who are their friends first, whereas women fall in love through physical connection. Here's an oldie, but goodie book in case you're interested in becoming better at relationships: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

Part of: a practical guide for Improving Communication and getting what you want in your relationships (3 books)  | by John Gray 

 

I read this book years ago and it was very interesting to learn how men are so different! I think that's why I enjoy listening to my male comedian rotation so much. Even though they're crass and sometimes dirty, at least with videos, I can just click past until I find one I like better. And you learn how guys think in an unfiltered, honest way.

 

Comedian Neal Brennan is one guy I don't particularly find that funny, sorry Neal, but I enjoy his podcast where he interviews other comedians. I find him too intellectualizing in his humor and when I want to laugh, I don't want to have to think that hard. I think so much about so many other things, comedy is where I relax and enjoy. So nothing personal Neal, just not my style.

 

He interviewed Gary Owen and he had a lot of trauma growing up in a trailer park with an absent dad who barely loves him even now, a mother whose constantly changing lovers were required to take him to school, and other things that were really sad to hear. But because he's a comedian and tells it funnily, I was laughing.

 

I noticed too a pattern of people who have endured trauma is they hide it under laughter or joke about it. I remember one time a group of us went to the Aspen Comedy Festival together for fun and we arrived early because the one girl had a beautiful mansion we were able to stay in. And I do mean mansion. It was one of the best vacations I think I've ever had. Comedy for a week, a beautiful mansion, and having fun? Sign me up again!

We went to hear all the comedians and I'll never forget one guy who had been pursuing comedy as a career for a very long time who just went off on a furious rant that he wasn't being selected to have a sitcom or agent even. He was so angry I was worried he might hurt someone. His trauma was in our faces that day.

 

I often wonder how many famous people wouldn't have become famous if they didn't have a trauma wound pushing them to find love and validation from society because they didn't receive it from home or their relationships or whatever. 

 

I enjoy reading memoirs because of the real stories of how hard it was to climb the ladder of success and how they overcame a lot to achieve the level of success they had. It's never, look at me, my life is great! It is more like, these were the hard things I went through, this is how I've overcome it, and here are the results.

 

Just recently John Stamos wrote his biography, If You Would Have Told Me  An Audible Best of the Year 2023 Celebrity Memoir Selection This program is read by the author.

“...I love him, and I respect him, and I need him. We all do.” —from the foreword, written and read by Jamie Lee Curtis

It's comforting to hear famous people struggle because then I realize that even though I don't want to be famous, as long as I keep plugging away, one day I will achieve my goals too. It never happens overnight.

 

That's why it bothers me that Kat Williams would tear other guys down so hard. And if it's true what he's said about sexual favors, then I wish those comedians would speak up to help change the entertainment industry rather than hide behind their success and pretend it never happened. If this is prevalent, bring it to the light so it can be cleaned up!

 

Sexual abuse isn't limited to one gender. And I feel the entertainment industry in particular is a breeding ground for that due to unresolved trauma in the people who perpetuate it. The more I learn about trauma, the more I realize how negatively it's affected all aspects of our lives in society and how much healing is needed.

 

I heard someone say recently that looking back into your trauma and healing it, is similar to a slingshot. You pull back and back and back all the layers of your truth, and once you're healed, you spring farther ahead even farther because now nothing is holding you back. 

 

I hope what I've shared has made sense and you will consider your trauma if you're carrying any. Do you want to continue to live a life that is shadowed by past wounds? Or do you want to be free to live a life that is fully lived and happy? 

I look at friends who have had loving, supportive childhoods and their life experiences and expectations are drastically different than mine. I have difficulty trusting, they don't. I want what they have and I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve it even if it's painful and difficult. 

 

I believe healing is powerful and worth fighting for. I hope you will too.

 

Take care. The birds have stopped, I have lots to do, but it's been nice to share what's been on my heart with you. I hope you have a wonderful day! 

 

And remember, it's never too late to have a happy childhood.:)

 

 

 

 

 

By Joy A. Kennelly

I am listening to Comedian Kevin James Thornton's podcast, This Ends in Paris Podcast, and I'm deeply moved by all the people calling in to share deep personal stories and him sharing his life story as he evolves into the mainstream comedian he is today.

I've been a fan of Kevin James' funny auto-tune Instagram stories It Was The 90's as a fundamental Christian who later came out gay and just discovered his podcast today when he's almost completed the final episode. It's like peeling back the covers to see what lies beneath this funny, complex person in a whole new way. Or like discovering your "friend" has this whole other secret life you never knew existed!

Listening also makes me realize that maybe it's time to reconnect with this part of my life too. 

I love blogging. I love writing. And I stopped because I wasn't making money spending 4-5 hours crafting the perfect blog except for the satisfaction of creating something that mattered to me and ironically, sometimes other people.

Then I hid. I had taken a lot of grief from people in the South Bay where I grew up when I fought back against all the underage drinking in my beach communities in my blog and got tired of dragging that persona around with me whenever I would go anywhere there. It was a blessing and a curse.

Because I campaigned against so much of the debauchery, we made the news (print and radio), and things calmed down. You could walk Downtown Manhattan Beach and not see 19-year-old kids lying on the sidewalk drunk out of their minds. Or homeless people scavenging on the beach for all the cans left from the wild volleyball tournaments that many people were attempting to turn into a stateside Ibiza.

But it was also a lonely time and I eventually outgrew the need to attempt to change a culture that didn't want to be changed and focused on other things. Like cleaning up my new ghetto neighborhood. That went over well too, but at least we didn't have mattresses, furniture, trash, and other gross things, just lying around so much.

You could say I'm a fixer of sorts.

Although I don't drink and can't stay out in the sun too long without risk of skin cancer, the beach was home for many years and I still have lifelong friends there, but it's not my life anymore and hasn't been for many years.

Once the pandemic hit and Governor Newsom decided we should all be locked down like caged animals I almost lost my mind from deep loneliness and isolation. Although I'm an introvert inherently, I still enjoy being around people, and when the only people you're allowed to see are a Dad who is emotionally unavailable and no one else, I quickly became suicidal.

It didn't help that I had had a hysterectomy before covid hit which kept me laid up for a few mos. even before the shutdown. It was during that recovery time I realized that the friends I thought would be there for me were so busy trying to survive in LA that they didn't have time to visit and spend time with me when I was bedridden.

They're my going out, going to church, having fun friends, not my hey, let me bring you a meal, let me spend time with you friends. The friends I used to have who were the let's go to dinner and talk, let's spend quality, deep time together died and my world has become much smaller after they left this earth.

And there's a time and place for those social friends too, but not when you're lonely and hurting. That's when you need the ride or die, I'm here for you friends. Fortunately, I still have a few I love dearly who are helping me survive my lonely time here in Austin. 

After my partial hysterectomy, I recovered enough to start working again but then caught an early strain of COVID-19 after doing a music video where I was covered in blue paint and pretended to be the mother of an alien. Weird I know, but we had fun creating it. I still stay in touch with Jerry, the guy who played the Dad via Instagram. Ah, the things we do for money...

I went to my gay Vietnamese Dr who reminded me of the crazy rich uncle in the over-the-top Asian movie because he was so funny. Crazy, Rich Asians, remember that movie?

My Dr worked at the Venice clinic filled with crazy homeless people I was forced to visit due to not having insurance or low-income insurance and even he was baffled by my COVID symptoms. That was until he caught it from me and later on told me that was what it was.

Sorry, Doc.

But when you can't breathe, you cough so much you crack 3 ribs, and you don't see an end in sight, you go to the doctor. I survived the first bout of COVID without many people understanding how awful it was because it hadn't hit the general population when I had it, and again, to my recollection, nobody came to see me then either except my dear 'ole Dad.

He's not the most empathetic, sympathetic person although he tries in his way so basically, I was on my own through this horrible ordeal. He tries to be supportive and has gotten better over the years after I've bawled him out a few times for his lack of empathy and support, but when I read about other Dads or watch certain celebrities with their children I can see how much love I've missed out on.

The only thing that ultimately helped me recover covid was my friend Susanna, who is very into homeopathic medicine, sending me her bottle of OregaResp and it cleared my lungs out within days when nothing else helped, including a steroid breathalyzer (or whatever those things are called.)

This is a natural remedy with oregano and black pepper which loosens up the gunk to expel it. I've since turned numerous people on to it who can't stop coughing and have difficulty breathing because it really works and they're always so happy for the healing. 

Anyway, back to my story. 

So imagine how stir-crazy I was after being locked up in my single apartment for almost 5 months before the lockdown that turned out to have no kitchen that somehow I didn't see when I rented it! LOL All I saw when I looked at it initially was the huge space with a fireplace and great price, my kind landlords, who turned out to know my Dad from years ago when the husband used to clean my Dad's apartment carpets, and because normally I was out all the time, the crappy neighborhood didn't bother me.

However, once the lockdown happened I realized my next-door neighbor had a huge pot plant growing in the backyard next to my kitchen area window with strange people yelling at him in the alley at weird times indicating he "allegedly" could be a drug dealer. The other neighbor, an older East Indian man separated from his wife, had a major crush on me making it uncomfortable sometimes to be in the front yard although he was harmless, and everywhere I looked in this neighborhood were old mattresses, garbage, and other furniture people just abandoned on the streets when they moved out.

I'll never forget seeing a Mexican guy all bloodied up walking down the street and asking if I could help only to be told he'd been jumped by black guys at a nearby bar. I had to force him to get medical treatment and when the ambulance came I was so relieved because he had major head injuries and he could barely stand up. 

Seeing parties going off and hearing gunfire was a common occurrence in Hawthorne, CA and it was no wonder that it was ranked as one of the most crime-ridden communities in the nation. 

Nothing more so describes the experience than during the 4th of July because in lower-income areas, for some reason they enjoy shooting off fireworks 3 months before and a month after. I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD which I'm working on healing from all my life traumas, but back then I didn't know why I was so triggered and it felt like my nervous system would implode out of my body the cacophony of noise from the random cherry bombs, dogs barking and car alarms going off on a non-stop basis was enough to drive me insane. 

I can remember standing in the middle of my street after calling my district representative and just recording all the loud firecracker noise going off and demanding she do something to make it stop. But if you know Maxine Waters, she was only a politician for the political goodies she could get for herself and her cronies and despite people complaining about her not doing anything for them, once they got their free turkeys and other handouts, they forgot and voted her back in again.

Sometimes I think certain demographics deserve to stay living in poverty because of their bad decisions based on simply voting by the color of their politician's skin and free handouts rather than character and how the politician helps them achieve a better life. There was one black politician I admired and wished she had been my representative because she cared about her community above and beyond hand-outs and she got things accomplished.

Unlike Maxine. 

I also was so stressed out about all the firework noise another year, I drove 45 minutes up to Hancock Park and parked outside the Mayor's home to demand in person he do something about it. I was only talked out of it by calling my therapist at the time who recommended I not do that. Couple that with the police officers who came by to ask me what I was doing parked there, which convinced me to drive away. I think it's funny now, but I was furious back then. I didn't feel safe anywhere.

I began to dislike my neighborhood and California more and more because I had to face it constantly and there was no relief from the onslaught of stupid policy decisions. Even when people began getting better, the LA Health woman with no medical degree still forced people to stay masked and inside because she wanted there to be parity in all races.

However, my demographic wasn't the one holding massive quinceañera parties, or massive birthday parties during the lockdown, but it probably saved a lot of them because your immune system gets stronger once you've had an illness and I'm sure they exposed each other over and over again.

However, I know many probably died, including one of my best friends. She had many underlying health issues and refused to get the vaccine which I think in her weakened condition she probably should have. But I think the main thing that killed her was Fauci's protocol with the ventilators because her lungs flooded and she drowned in her body fluids after they did certain things to her. If it was me, I would have sued, but the family isn't me so... I miss that friend a lot, but her sister is a lot like her so I enjoy speaking to her still. 

But I digress. 

So after I recovered from Covid I went to probably my last startup tech event which was held in Downtown LA surrounded by tons of homeless encampments and in a warehouse-style building where everyone was shilling their startups. I popped into a lecture between a Delta Airlines executive and a funny charismatic tech investor/entrepreneur whose name escapes me now. I wanted to hear the Delta guy because I used to work for Delta and was curious to hear what he had to say about how they're incorporating tech into their airline operations.

There was a raffle and I won the free Delta Airline tickets to attend SXSW in March of 2020. Yeah, that year. Lucky me. The tech investor guy was upset I won and made some stupid remark from the stage, but I had been involved in that tech scene for 4 years by then and was used to the misogyny of these types of guys.

I was happy because my sister lived in Austin, TX with my niece and I'd always wanted to visit to see if Austin was where I was going to move next. I had hated living in CA long before the pandemic and had been plotting my escape for a long time, but since none of my sisters were taking care of my Dad regularly, I kind of felt obligated to stick around. 

My Mom died in 2016 and I cared for my Dad while living there for years until I moved away and then bounced back. He's very independent, but I helped him by making meals (since he didn't cook), handling tech issues, and setting his bills up on auto-pay to make it easier for him. I also handled any other issues he couldn't figure out on his own. I was his main "caregiver" and my sisters would visit when they could, but it wasn't very often. I have since learned this is the way in many families.

I listened to Brené Brown speak once about a relative, I forget who, who had something catastrophic happen so the whole family ran to the hospital. She jumped into her bossy caregiver role to avoid feeling and the other family members fell into their familiar roles. As she described the familial roles, I realized she was describing me and my sisters to a T. I had done so much, and it relieved my sisters of doing as much or more because they felt I was caring for him. They may disagree, but this is my story and I'm sticking to it. I have the receipts too.

I stuck out the pandemic as long as I could by developing a fascination with John Mayer and his music because I found when I listened to it, my mind finally relaxed and I was able to sleep. Do you remember during the pandemic when you had no motivation to do anything, but then couldn't sleep at night wondering if the world was going to end? That was my daily experience and somehow listening to all John Mayer's entire alumbography (is that even a word?:) I was soothed.

I also continued to have the delusion that I was communicating with Dwayne the Rock Johnson via Instagram and held many a sexy time via the internet with who I thought was him. LOL However, no sexy pictures because I learned the hard way earlier on in my life that men don't always keep things like that to themselves. And I'm not that kind of girl anymore.:)

Whoever he was, thank you for helping me get through the pandemic and so much of the craziness I experienced until then. I must have communicated with that person for almost 4 years and know whoever he was he helped me handle a lot of bad stuff. Same with John Mayer who I still listen to when I can't sleep and other times because his Instagram posts make me laugh or smile more often than not. Same with Dwayne.

My therapist and I used to laugh whenever I brought both of these guys up in session because I knew it couldn't be real and she knew for a fact it wasn't. But a girl can dream, right?:) I like encouraging celebrities because I feel they get so isolated by fame there's no one real around them and it's nice to hear a female who doesn't want anything from them, but friendship.

So once I knew I wasn't going to make it through more time in California without real live people, not internet fantasies when a friend said she had a back room in her Georgia house for rent in Savannah, I jumped at the chance to flee because as I told my Dad, if I stay here, I will commit suicide I can't take it any longer. I hated to leave him and he hated to see me go, but we knew I needed out of this awful situation more than most people.

I found a luxury van that fit all my worldly belongings remaining after I had sold off a bunch of things including my bed and car, drove cross country to Savannah, and settled in for probably 2 months before her boyfriend began saying inappropriate things occasionally and she felt jealous of him helping me out so much. He helped me buy a car which was a total junker but I loved it until I didn't. It also helped me make friends with another Honda Element owner when I asked for a good mechanic and we still stay in touch to this day, years later.

I was able to trade my car in for my current Kia and even though I didn't think I'd like it, I have grown to love it over the years. It's sturdy, runs well, and holds a lot of stuff when I need to buy a piece of furniture or move something.

When my Savannah living situation became untenable, I packed up everything into a U-Haul truck and drove up to live in Atlanta with an old church friend who turned out to have major hoarding issues and OCD issues in addition to being verbally abusive. He was so awful to me even though the rent was super low, I moved out as fast as I could, threw my things in storage, and began staying in hotels around the area. The friends I used to have when I lived in Atlanta the first time weren't there for me when I came back and I got back into acting where I developed more friends. 

I'll never forget renting a hotel room in Motel 6 which must have had about 600 rooms because it was 6 floors high or so and hearing fire alarms going off. Everyone was out on the balconies looking, but I packed up my room, went down to the front desk demanded my money back, and tore out of there after hearing that the room above me had been creating meth and it got out of control causing a fire.

The whole place seemed like there were drug addicts, drug dealers, prostitutes, and others. I wasn't making much catering at the Georgia Aquarium and spending money on hotels so learned my lesson the hard way.  Don't be cheap if it means your safety is in danger.

I ended up finding a great rate at a gorgeous Downtown Atlanta Marriott where they often film due to its iconic architecture. But what I forgot was parking and it was $40/night. I ended up finding a place across the street for $10 and would see people filming around the neighborhood as I walked to and from the hotel and inside too. That was a lot of fun and so was acting on the Atlanta shoots because so many of the big Hollywood films had escaped Governor Newsom to work there. 

What I found maddening was that despite Georgia not having the same Covid restrictions as California, due to SAG, PGA, DGA, etc being located in Los Angeles, all the productions began to have to follow the archaic, non-scientific rules even though everyone in GA had been free before. I hated wearing masks because I couldn't breathe and it raised my blood pressure too high.

So when I was working at the Georgia Aquarium, we had to wear long-sleeve shirts, a tie, AND a vest with a mask I began to experience really serious side effects after all the running around and not breathing properly. It got so bad, I went to urgent care and the doctor told me I couldn't do the job anymore because I would have a stroke. My blood pressure had shot so high it was dangerous. I had been slurring my words, staggering and that's when I knew something was drastically wrong.

Then, I stayed at an Airbnb near the airport and the guy running it began coming on to me wanting to give me a foot massage to calm me down, asking me all kinds of sexually oriented questions and I began to freak out. My health was failing, I didn't feel safe where I was staying and I learned that streets I was driving through to get to work, the very next day in the paper online it would say someone had been shot the night before. I also learned that a Chicago gang was trying to take over Atlanta and that's why murders were up. They're still up and crime is still high according to a DJ I still stay in touch with, again via Instagram.:)

After the gruesome murder of a lesbian whose breasts were cut off and her dog killed when she was walking late at night in the park everyone goes to I knew that was it. I didn't feel safe anywhere. I wanted out. I had a small extra role in Shazam filming there and knew the park well. It was shocking to everyone and the Mayor was called out for allowing crime to increase so quickly.

I called my Dad and even though he was initially against it, he relented and I was able to move back in with him. I left my car with a friend and my things in storage in GA and just flew home. I was with my Dad helping him again and taking care of my health too for almost a year. I never really felt like I was meant to stay in California though because it was still bad.

I remember driving anywhere in CA and everywhere there were huge homeless encampments similar to what I see every so often in South Austin. But far worse. It was every street, every overpass, everywhere. You couldn't escape it. Governor Newsom had decided all homeless were welcome so they came for the warm weather and never got off the streets. I broke the story of downtown LA being so overrun with homeless by filming as I drove and then more news coverage came as a result.

But it's never changed. Only got worse.

The money that's been thrown at the issue is eaten up by crooked people, and people charging exorbitant amounts to build simple structures. That's why when I see the City Council in Austin thinking throwing more money at the problem is going to fix it, all I see is more problems and no resolution.

I was homeless briefly and survived by couch surfing with friends all over the Northwest I attended Bible college together with and took advantage of government assistance to get into an apartment with 2 black women who were also coming off being homeless.

One was nice although she would steal my food and use her money to buy weed, whereas the other was racist against me in ways I've never experienced before or since. We almost came to blows once, but I decided it wasn't worth going to jail over. I ultimately helped the nice one get into another apartment away from the racist bitch because she hated all of us equally and helped her also begin to reconcile with her family which was nice to see.

However, that experience was at a major cost emotionally and I will never allow it to happen again. From there, I built my life back and that's why I know it can happen, but not without a determination to never live that life again. Drug addicts and those making more money begging on the corner than holding a real job don't want to do it and oftentimes, can't due to their addictions. That's why I believe mental health assistance, and drug rehabilitation centers are more needed and places to live, not more money thrown at them.

But I digress. Where was I?

Oh yeah, anyway, I'm getting tired so I'm going to stick a pin in this for now. But I wanted to share my story a little because there's so much animosity online against Californians who have moved to Texas, but we don't all have a ton of money or want to screw up the cool culture that makes Austin weird.

Some of us just want to live in peace, breathe freely, not see homeless drug addicts everywhere, and feel like we can have a little bit more safety than was provided in California. I have more peace living in Austin, although it has had its own rough experiences, but I feel like this is where I've come to heal.

The nature and deer I see regularly feed my soul. I enjoy not hearing gunshots or other craziness where I live. I like my neighbors and my landlord. My apartment is huge compared to what I used to live in in Los Angeles and I even have a patio that I haven't done anything with because I enjoy hanging out near the pool more.

I've found a therapist who has experience in brain spotting and EMDR, two unique ways to heal trauma faster and/or in conjunction with talk therapy. I'm hopeful this will be the year I can heal the trauma I've carried all my life and begin to really live. Thank you for being there for my journey thus far. The best is yet to come!

(Please note, I'm providing my affiliate links above so click away as it helps me while making life easier for you! But seriously, thank you.)